When a narcissistic parent raises a child, it's often clear that the child misses out on essential developmental stages. Instead of growing into a person with their own thoughts, creativity, and dreams, survivors of emotional abuse are preoccupied with surviving, pleasing their narcissistic parent, and protecting themselves as much as possible. This leaves little room for emotional or mental self-awareness.
Growing up with a narcissistic mother, I recall that I stopped thinking independently around the age of six. Any thought I expressed was dismissed harshly. Friends I chose were criticized, and I only received positive feedback when I agreed with my mother. I also stopped allowing myself to feel. While I experienced pain, a sense of not belonging, and sadness, I wasn’t allowed to express or acknowledge these feelings. Unsurprisingly, I developed an eating disorder in an attempt to fill the emptiness I felt emotionally and mentally.
Although survivors often appear capable and mature outwardly, this is a survival mechanism. By suppressing their natural needs, they adopt behaviors that ensure safety. Often, it’s only later in life—when they begin to understand the emotional abuse—that the realization of a "lost childhood" becomes apparent.
When I work with clients, I often ask if they feel they’ve missed out on natural, healthy development. If they recognize this, I then ask what age they believe they emotionally align with. Most respond with an age between five and seven.
Common Developmental Patterns in Childhood
Psychologist Erik Erikson’s model of psychosocial development provides insight into the critical relationship-building stages we experience throughout life.
Infant Years: Trust and strong relationships are formed during infancy. If a child’s needs for closeness, nourishment, and care are unmet, they may struggle with trust and dependence on others.
Toddler Years: This stage is about gaining independence and doing things on one’s own. In a narcissistic household, however, a child is often forced into the role the narcissistic parent desires—acting as the perfect child to reflect positively on the parent. Failure to meet these expectations may result in discipline or criticism, fostering self-doubt and shame.
Preschool Years: This period involves developing initiative and expressing opinions. A narcissistic parent, who craves control, often stifles this growth, discouraging initiative and labeling it as disobedience. This leads to the development of guilt. It’s rare to meet a survivor of narcissistic abuse who doesn’t struggle with what I call "unhealthy guilt syndrome."
Early School Years: This stage introduces the concept of achievement and comparison. Depending on their accomplishments, children may develop confidence or feelings of inadequacy. Children of narcissists often strive to excel, seeking approval from their parents. However, their efforts typically go unrecognized at home. While the parent may boast about the child’s achievements in public, they rarely offer praise directly. This inconsistency leaves the child confused, questioning their worth despite their successes.
Teenage Years: Adolescence is a time to explore identity and gain clarity about who you are. For children of narcissistic parents, this exploration is stunted. They are accepted only in the role their parent has assigned, preventing them from fully discovering themselves.
For me, this meant I didn’t have genuine friendships, my opinions mirrored those of my parents, and I felt deeply insecure. I found temporary solace in an eating disorder.
Common Challenges Faced by Survivors
Based on both my personal experiences and my work with clients, these are the most common struggles among those raised in narcissistic families:
- Difficulty trusting others
- Persistent feelings of guilt
- Overworking to prove their worth
- Low self-esteem and self-confidence
- Limited self-awareness
- Seeking external validation
- Appearing mature but feeling lost internally
- Anxiety, stress, or PTSD
The Journey Toward Healing
A significant part of healing involves "growing up" emotionally becoming your own person and leaving behind patterns and beliefs that no longer serve you. This process is about rediscovering who you are, understanding your worth, and creating a life that reflects your true self, free from the shadows of a narcissistic upbringing.
With time, self-compassion, and support, it’s possible to reclaim the childhood you missed and step into a future defined by authenticity and self-empowerment.