This essential question has the potential to transform your connection and strengthen your bond.
As a couples therapist, I’ve listened to countless individuals share their deepest thoughts, struggles, and desires. One simple yet impactful phrase I’ve found that can shift the dynamics of a relationship is: “What can I do?”
This phrase isn’t about grand gestures or perfect solutions it’s about showing empathy, support, and understanding. Let me explain its significance with real-life examples and practical tips for using it in your relationship.
Evan and Grace: Balancing Careers and Family
Evan and Grace, married for several years, struggled to juggle demanding careers with family life. Evan, a lawyer, worked long hours, while Grace, a nurse, had irregular shifts. Grace felt overwhelmed by household responsibilities and wished Evan would notice her need for help.
In therapy, Grace shared her frustration: “I’m always cleaning, cooking, and taking care of the kids while you’re working. I'm so tired and feel like you never offer to help."
At first, Evan responded defensively, saying, "I work hard to support our family."
I suggested he ask Grace, “How can I help?” This made a big difference. Recognizing her challenges, Evan asked, “What can I do?” Feeling relieved, Grace asked him to take care of the kids for a weekend so she could rest.
This simple phrase helped Evan step away from defensiveness and showed Grace that her efforts were appreciated. It wasn’t about who did more, it was about mutual understanding and support.
Lily and Mark: Emotional Distance in Conflict
Lily and Mark, together for over a decade, had developed a pattern of emotional withdrawal during conflicts. Mark often withdrew during arguments, making Lily feel ignored and lonely.
In therapy, Lily said, "When we fight, Mark stops talking, and it feels like I'm speaking to a wall."
Mark admitted: “I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to make things worse.”
I suggested Mark try asking, “What can I do?” instead of retreating into silence. During their next disagreement, Mark said, “Lily, I know I’ve been distant, but what can I do to help right now?”
Surprised but relieved, Lily responded: “Just listen to me.” That simple question changed their interaction, enabling Mark to be more present and providing Lily the emotional support she needed.
Sarah and Tom: Parenting Challenges
Sarah and Tom, parents of two young children, were overwhelmed by daily responsibilities. Between work and childcare, their relationship began to feel more like a task management partnership than a romantic connection.
Sarah expressed her frustration: "I feel like I’m always managing everything. I wish Tom would take more responsibility, but I’m not sure how to ask for help."
Not knowing how she felt, Tom said, "I want to help, but I don’t know what you need."
I recommended Tom ask, “What can I do?” Later, while Sarah was cleaning up after dinner, Tom asked, “Sarah, what can I do to help with this?” Surprised, Sarah asked Tom to put the kids to bed so she could rest. This small request gave Tom a chance to step up and show Sarah that he valued and appreciated her.
Why “What Can I Do?” Works
So, why does this phrase work so effectively? It validates your partner’s feelings without judgment. It’s a simple yet profound way to show empathy and build connection. By asking this question, you signal that you care about their well-being and want to contribute to their happiness.
Tips for Using This Phrase in Your Relationship
1. Be Genuine: Ask with sincere intent to help your partner not just to avoid conflict or fulfill an obligation.
2. Don’t Assume: Don’t guess what your partner needs. Ask, and be open to their response.
3. Follow Through: When your partner tells you how to help, act on it. This demonstrates your commitment to their needs.
The Ripple Effect
When couples regularly practice asking, “What can I do?” they build a culture of teamwork, understanding, and strong relationships. It shifts the relationship from competition to collaboration, where both partners feel valued and supported.
This simple five-word question can have an incredible impact on how couples face life’s challenges together.
So, the next time you’re unsure how to support your partner, just ask: “What can I do?” It might be the most powerful question you’ll ever use.