As a relationship expert, I often meet individuals like Sara, Chris, and Jenna who struggle to leave partners who repeatedly hurt, ignore, or disrespect them. While it’s easy to say, “If they treat you badly, just leave,” the reality of love and emotional attachment is far more complex. Here are three key reasons you might find yourself going back to a partner who mistreats you and practical steps to regain control of your heart and your future.
1. The Dopamine Trap: Hooked on the Highs of Unpredictable Love
Sara met Dan on a dating app, and while the highs of their relationship were thrilling, the lows were devastating. Dan would avoid her for days, then come back with kind promises and loving words. This cycle left Sara feeling anxious yet deeply attuned to the rare moments when he paid attention to her. When Dan finally replied to her messages or showed up for a date, it felt like a major reward, keeping Sara hooked despite her better judgment.
This isn’t a coincidence. Unpredictable love, like Sara's experience, creates a cycle in the brain where dopamine, the "feel good" chemical, is released due to inconsistent rewards. Much like gambling or other addictive habits, the brain starts craving those rare moments of happiness, even if they come with emotional pain. The hope for love, even when unreliable, can keep a person stuck in a pattern of attachment and false hope.
What You Can Do: To break free from this dopamine driven attachment, focus on building a support system outside the relationship. Spend time with friends and family or enjoy hobbies and activities that make you happy and feel fulfilled. Gradually train your brain to find satisfaction in stable and healthy connections, rather than the erratic highs of an unhealthy relationship.
2. Low Self Worth: Believing You Don’t Deserve Better
Chris often felt unappreciated in his relationship with Emma. When Emma dismissed his feelings or criticized him, he assumed he deserved it. Deep down, Chris struggled with low self-esteem, believing he wasn’t worthy of a partner who would treat him well. His dating history was filled with emotionally distant or critical partners, reflecting his deeply ingrained belief that he should settle for less than he deserved.
As I discuss in my book 'Why Can't You Read My Mind?, low self worth plays a major role in staying with a partner who mistreats you. When you don’t feel valuable or deserving, you unconsciously seek relationships that mirror these feelings. You may even convince yourself that finding a kinder partner is unrealistic or that love always involves pain and compromise.
What You Can Do: Start building self worth by listing your strengths, achievements, and positive qualities. Acknowledging these traits can help shift your perspective. Consider seeking therapy or talking to a trusted mentor to address the deeper issues that make you feel unworthy. Remember, healthy relationships begin with a strong sense of self. When you value yourself, you’re less likely to tolerate poor treatment from others.
3. The Illusion of Change: Hoping They’ll Become Who You Want Them to Be
Jenna had been with Lucas for several years, despite his frequent insults and lack of interest in her life. Yet, whenever she thought about ending the relationship, she recalled moments when Lucas was kind, generous, and loving. She couldn’t shake the belief that if she just loved him enough, he would eventually change into the partner she wanted. This hope kept Jenna holding on, even though Lucas’s good behavior was rare.
The belief that a partner will eventually change is common in toxic relationships. This hope can stem from early positive memories, occasional kind gestures, or promises of future improvement. Unfortunately, people rarely change in the ways we want or need just because we stay. Holding onto the idea of potential often leads to more pain and disappointment.
What You Can Do: Focus on your partner’s consistent actions, not their promises or occasional kind moments. If you’re unsure, write down your experiences. Often, seeing your relationship clearly in writing can help you recognize patterns of neglect or mistreatment. Remember, love is about being valued and respected in the present, not in some imagined future.
Moving Forward With Self Compassion
Breaking free from a partner who mistreats you is never easy, but understanding these patterns is the first step toward reclaiming control. If you see yourself in these examples, remember that change is achievable. With awareness, support, and small, consistent actions, you can break free from unhealthy cycles and open yourself to the love, respect, and connection you deserve.