"Throning" might sound like a trendy new term, but it actually describes an old pattern in dating. The term, gaining popularity among Gen Z, refers to dating someone mostly for the sake of status and boosting one’s self-esteem by association. Essentially, it’s about putting a partner on a pedestal for public recognition rather than valuing them as a real person.
In many ways, "throning" is a modern twist on the concept of hypergamy, which has been around since the early days of dating. Hypergamy involves dating or marrying someone of higher social status to improve one's own situation. While people may have different reasons for seeking a partner of higher status, the goal of throning is specific: to elevate one’s own social image. Dating someone with influence or a certain level of popularity is intended to make others view you as a success by association. The primary purpose of the relationship is to bask in the reflected spotlight of your partner’s status.
High school dating often exemplifies throning, with many people seeking the attention of popular classmates to boost their own image. But this behavior doesn’t always end with high school. Throning continues into adulthood, which explains why prominent figures, successful professionals, and high-profile celebrities often attract partners who are interested in their status rather than who they are as individuals.
Throning isn’t limited to romantic relationships. Think about how often people aim to elevate their own status by associating with the popular or influential figures in workplaces, schools, or social groups. Most of us have probably encountered that person who seems to have influence only because of their connection to a higher-up. Or the person who tries to signal their importance by casually dropping the names of well-known people they associate with.
If you’re dating, it’s likely you’ll encounter throning around you—or even directed at you. You might even realize you’re engaging in it yourself. Throning can work if both people are comfortable with the arrangement and clear about their motives. If you openly communicate that your relationship is more about status, the other person has the choice to accept it or not.
However, problems arise when there’s a disconnect, misunderstanding, or lack of communication. One person might believe the relationship is deeper and more meaningful, while the other views it as a mutually beneficial arrangement. This misalignment can occur when the person doing the throning pretends to be genuinely interested in their partner as an individual, rather than just their status.
Even when someone is upfront about their intentions, the person being put on the pedestal may still misunderstand the relationship. It’s similar to a situation where a customer might believe a salesperson is offering a discount out of personal liking, rather than business interest. This behavior can also relate to the "Pretty Woman" fantasy—hoping that a relationship based on superficial attraction will evolve into something real once the other person “sees who I really am.”
In both dating and other relationships, it’s crucial to be transparent about motives. If you want to avoid people who are just "throning," watch for these 10 signs:
1. They admit to putting you on a pedestal: Remember Maya Angelou’s advice, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
2. They frequently mention or ask about your status: People tend to talk about what they value most, and if they’re fixated on your reputation, it could be a red flag.
3. They shower you with excessive compliments and brag about you to others: Compliments are nice in moderation, but too much praise can feel insincere and serve as a sign they’re trying to elevate themselves through you.
4. They seem self centered and overly concerned with their image: Are they all about their social image, especially on social media?
5. They’re more attentive to you in public than in private: If they only treat you well when others are watching, it could mean they’re more concerned with appearances than your relationship.
6. They come across as distant or unengaged: When it’s just the two of you, do you feel a genuine connection, or does their interest seem superficial?
7. They show little interest in getting to know the real you: They may not want to form a deep emotional connection, as that would go beyond the transactional nature of the relationship.
8. They’re absent when you need support: When times get tough, do they step up or remain uninvolved?
9. They show a strong interest in the status of others: They might always be looking for the next person to "upgrade" to, once they’ve benefited from being associated with you.
10. They have a pattern of throning in past relationships: If they frequently talk about how high status their previous partners were, it may be a sign of a recurring pattern.
To avoid getting caught up in "throning," consider how you might be attracting people with status based intentions. When you promote a certain image or lifestyle, you may attract people drawn to those attributes rather than who you are as a person. Similarly, how you present yourself when dating can affect who you attract. If you place too much emphasis on your status, think about what others responding to that might actually be seeing and seeking. The more you are your authentic self, the more likely you’ll connect with someone who genuinely aligns with you.