It’s common to think that lonely single people want to date and find romantic relationships, right? For single men experiencing loneliness, this tends to hold true. However, for single women, especially those who were previously married, the story is different. More than 70% of the loneliest divorced women were not particularly interested in pursuing romance.
These surprising insights were highlighted in a study titled 'Is Everyone Looking for Love?' carried out by Yale researchers Hannah Tessler, Meera Choi, and Grace Kao. The findings were recently published in the 'Journal of Family Issues' in 2024.
Is Everyone Really Searching for Love?
The belief that most adults are actively seeking romantic relationships is deeply ingrained and rarely questioned. It’s often perceived as a universal aspect of adulthood: the idea that wanting a romantic partner is natural and inevitable. However, this assumption is not as universal as it seems.
In a 2019 survey by the Pew Research Center, half of the U.S. adults who were single and not in any form of romantic relationship reported no interest in dating or starting a relationship. By 2022, this percentage had risen to 56%. Tessler and her colleagues found similar results in their 2021 study: 51% of unattached singles stated they weren’t interested in dating or romantic relationships.
This statistic, 51%, represents the average across all single participants in the study. When broken down further, interesting patterns emerged depending on gender and marital history:
- Among divorced women, a striking 73% were not interested in romance, compared to 50% of divorced men.
- For individuals who had never been married, 47% of women and 44% of men expressed no interest in dating or romantic relationships.
Age also played a role. Among women, both divorced and never married, older singles were even less likely to show interest in romance compared to younger ones. For men, the age-related trends were less consistent.
Why the Disinterest in Romance?
The researchers didn’t gather data to explain their findings, but there are some potential reasons. Historically, studies have suggested that women, especially those who’ve been married, often take on a larger share of responsibilities within a relationship or marriage. This imbalance could contribute to their lack of interest in pursuing romance after experiencing marriage.
However, this explanation assumes that women avoid relationships purely because of negative experiences in marriage. Another perspective is that many individuals, regardless of gender or marital history, genuinely value the independence, social freedom, and personal growth that come with single life. For these individuals, being single isn’t about avoiding romance but rather embracing the benefits of a solitary lifestyle. Far from fearing solitude, they thrive in it, making loneliness less of a concern.
Loneliness and Romantic Interest: A Gender Divide
For singles who have never married, loneliness does often correlate with a desire for romance, but this is more true for men than for women. Among divorced singles, lonely men were also more inclined to seek romantic relationships compared to their female counterparts.
Why might this be the case? While Tessler’s study didn’t explore specific reasons, it’s possible that lonely women tend to turn to friends and family for emotional support, rather than seeking romantic partners. Women often have more experience nurturing these non-romantic relationships and may find them more fulfilling in times of loneliness. Additionally, some women might have learned that romantic relationships don’t always deliver the emotional connection they promise.
A Shift in Perspective
Tessler’s research highlights an important shift in how we view adult desires and relationships. Her findings challenge the long-standing belief that romantic love is a universal goal for everyone. By presenting evidence that many people particularly women do not prioritize romance, her work pushes back against assumptions about what is “normal” or “natural” for adults.
This study is part of a growing body of research that encourages us to reconsider traditional notions of relationships and happiness. Not everyone is searching for love, and that’s perfectly okay.