Narcissists' negative traits, including arrogance, superiority, and lack of empathy, are becoming more widely recognized. They are often charming initially, but their toxic behaviors quickly emerge.
So, what is it like to be in a relationship with a narcissist, and how can you heal? These were the central questions explored in a small study by psychologist Nayera Mohamed Shousha from Cairo University and the British University in Egypt, who gathered firsthand experiences from people who had endured this challenging experience.
To explore this topic, Shousha interviewed 27 women, aged 24-54, who had been in a committed relationship with a narcissist for at least one year. The participants were sourced from private Facebook groups like Victims of Narcissists and Let’s Go Home. 24 online interviews were conducted via Facebook Messenger, with follow up conversations and three in person interviews for further clarification.
The findings were significant. Shousha discovered that the participants’ stories revealed four key themes, mapping a journey from experiencing abuse to recovering from it. A summary of the results is provided below.
Theme 1: Toxic Experiences
This theme relates to various forms of narcissistic abuse and control, broken into two sub themes:
Aggressive Behaviors
Most participants experienced clear forms of aggression, including physical, emotional, and verbal abuse. One participant shared: "He never apologized, and he always hurt me on purpose. He felt victorious when I would break down in tears or lose my temper. He also tried to damage my reputation."
Gaslighting
The majority of participants reported being gaslit by their partners. Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation where victims are led to doubt their own thoughts, feelings, and memories, often questioning their own sanity. One participant shared:
"When I found flirty messages with other women on his phone, I confronted him. He told me, 'You need to see a therapist because you're imagining things. I would never cheat on you. I love and respect you.' I genuinely believed him. He made me think I was wrong. He seemed so sincere."
Theme 2: Viewing the Narcissist as an Abusive Partner
Recognizing their partner as abusive emerged from the participants' experiences, reflecting their understanding of their partner’s personality. Almost all the women reported that their ex partners were selfish, arrogant, manipulative, egotistical, lacking empathy, and believed they were envied for being unique and special. They also described their ex-partners as highly critical, great performers, attention seekers, controlling, unreliable, liars, aggressive, cheaters, and deceptive.
Theme 3: The Harmful Effects of a Narcissistic Relationship
This theme highlights the emotional and social aftermath of being in a relationship with a narcissist. Nearly all participants referenced the harmful effects of their narcissistic partners, particularly after ending the relationship. Once it was over, the women came to realize that they had been victims of abuse, leading to both psychological and social repercussions. One woman shared: "After I left him, I felt sad and lost my confidence. I constantly blamed myself and feared what the future would bring." Notably, some participants reported that the negative effects lasted for six months to a year after leaving the relationship.
Theme 4: Resilience After Leaving the Relationship
The fourth theme focuses on how women rebuilt their lives after escaping abusive relationships. Some sought help from professionals, others leaned on support networks or spirituality, while some regained confidence by developing new skills and abilities. Consider one participant’s healing journey:
"I tried to meet new people, avoided being alone, and read books, constantly reminding myself that I made the right decision. I escaped. I’m working on finding my love for life again, getting good sleep, and accepting myself without any regret or blame. My best therapy is to completely cut him out of my life, never contacting him again. I'm focusing on getting closer to God and accepting how things turned out. This helps me embrace my life."
This study shows the deep emotional toll narcissistic relationships can have and the resilience people can find once they move forward.