In the media, narcissism is often portrayed by extreme personalities belittling others, power hungry behavior, and aggressive individuals. Seen this way, who would ever think there's a healthy side to what we usually view as a negative trait? Surprise: narcissism isn’t all bad.
According to Kohut’s theory, adults with healthy narcissism have developed a strong sense of self that grows from "the normal self centeredness of infants and children to the less self focused and more balanced self of adults, with wisdom, empathy, and other positive and healthy traits," writes Nina W. Brown, Ed.D, professor at Old Dominion University.
Other positive traits of HAN include living with purpose, having fulfilling and lasting relationships, connecting with others, and having an emotional vocabulary you can express properly.
Healthy narcissism means accepting and appreciating others as separate and distinct from yourself, while still valuing them. A good sense of humor doesn’t belittle or shame; there’s a core set of values and wisdom gained over a lifetime. All of this is highly affirming!
The Dark Side of Narcissism
Compare this to destructive narcissism (DNP) inflated self importance, arrogance, attention seeking, and a lack of empathy that exploits "the trust of others who may not realize they’re being taken advantage of," Brown writes. "The exploiter uses charm, pressure, manipulation, and even bullying to achieve their goals." This is where the absence of empathy becomes evident.
Eventually, DNP reveals itself in "a damaged sense of self," the flip side of arrogance, where the person feels like "poor me" constantly unlucky, suffering endlessly, Brown explains. Along with this comes shallow emotions, jealousy, bitterness, and a rapidly changing demeanor, often without warning.
Building Positive Traits
Sometimes in life, we learn by looking at who we don’t want to be and acting the complete opposite. Those who grew up around inflated egos whether it was a bully, an unkind sibling, or a so called friend who lived by a different set of rules might have been taken advantage of without reciprocation.
As outliers, we might have given them a pass. But if these behaviors repeated, and they said one thing while making us second guess ourselves repeatedly, eventually, we’d get the message.
Narcissistic anger can be subtle where the workplace section outlines a subtype of passive aggressive behavior the Star, whose traits can be either helpful or harmful.
"Productively channeled, many stars can use their ego for good. It takes a bit of boldness to stand in front of a crowd, perform on stage, or take on leadership," we write. "Many government leaders, military officials, actors, athletes, and business executives have reached celebrity status. Many have earned the right to be proud. True class, however, means never stepping on or over anyone to get what you want or maintain your position."
As the saying goes, a strength taken to excess can easily become a weakness.
"Brown writes that a key sign of healthy adult narcissism is the ability to feel and show a variety of emotions, not just anger and fear, but also deeper feelings like love and joy."
People with healthy adult narcissism feel proud of their achievements, but crucially, they also feel happy for your success. You’ll hear genuine congratulations if they offer praise. You’ll notice fairness, mutual respect, apologies, and equal standards for everyone.
Envy and scorekeeping have no place in the lives of those with a strong sense of self, who aren’t easily threatened. You’ll hear concern in their voices and see genuine interest through their actions. Life isn’t a race to win. There’s little competition and no tallying of social scores.
If someone else succeeds, joy is shared. Two people can have what they want and need and be happy at the same time.
In the toxic version, however, someone must always be on top while another is blocked from achieving satisfaction; in other words, there’s no room for mutual success, and the narcissist on the extreme end of the spectrum would belittle and react negatively to another’s happiness.
Stick around long enough, and you’ll notice the doubling down, entitlement, and setting others up to be projected upon or dumped on become relentless.
That’s why people filled with joy seek self-awareness, continuing to develop the healthy parts of themselves and fixing weaknesses they’re quick to recognize. They embrace beauty and wonder, live with laughter, and make the world a little brighter.