When asked why people choose to stay in toxic relationships, those under the control of a narcissist might say, "It's harder to leave." This well-known truth for victims of narcissists is that leaving often comes with a lifetime of "punishment," which can be terrifying.
Understand What You’ll Face When You Leave
If victims know what to expect when they leave a controlling partner, it can help them prepare. It can give them the strength needed for a long, exhausting battle because that's usually the inevitable outcome when someone leaves a narcissist, especially in close relationships. Narcissists thrive on the "object" of their control, a person they see as a means to an end. When that "object" is no longer available to manipulate and abuse, their behavior can become truly frightening.
Sadly, leaving a narcissist is often the only path to freedom. Staying in a relationship characterized by control and abuse is never the right answer, although some people are trapped due to circumstances beyond their control. When a victim gets the chance to leave, they should run but will probably still be looking over their shoulder for a long time.
Narcissists won’t let you go easily. They will pull out all the stops at first, from charm to empty promises to threats, all in an attempt to lure you back. Victims need to stay strong during this phase because it’s their first step to freedom. But if you think you’ll be able to leave and never hear from your abuser again, think again.
Narcissists Will Always Try to Reach You
It doesn’t matter if it’s been 10 minutes or 10 years, a narcissist will always try to keep in contact with their victim. They will reach out directly. They will show up at your workplace, your home, or even your friends’ homes. They will ask everyone who knows you how you’re doing or where you’re at.
Simply blocking a phone number won’t work; you must expect their efforts to connect with you and cut them off at every turn. Exhausting? Yes. But essential for survival.
Narcissists Will Portray Themselves as Your Victim
A narcissist has little to no remorse for their actions. If you choose to leave them, they will immediately transform into the victim and tell that story to anyone who will listen especially your mutual friends.
They will also constantly remind you that they are not responsible for any abuse they’ve inflicted on you, but that you are responsible for their mistreatment of you. If you wonder how you deserve that, look no further than exercising your own free will: You chose to leave the situation, and you didn’t get their permission to do so.
Narcissists Will Punish You Forever
You will never be forgiven if you walk away from a narcissist. They will always believe you committed the ultimate sin by standing up for yourself against their wishes.
Keep in mind that most narcissists believe they know best in every situation and for every person. When a victim makes their own decisions about their future, narcissists will feel entitled to dish out punishment as they see fit. They will belittle, harass, and threaten you, but they will never admit the real reason behind those actions; instead, they will blame it on you hurting them somehow.
Narcissists Will Never Stop Thinking About You
To a narcissist, a victim who leaves and stays away can become an obsession. They will continuously dwell on their disbelief: How could you do this to them? How could you think you’d ever find a better situation? How long will it take for you to realize you need them?
These feelings can become all consuming for narcissists, fueling an inner rage that won’t let go. People will talk about you for years, even if you're not aware of it.
Narcissists Will Never Say They’re Sorry
Don’t expect closure from a narcissist. You won’t have the opportunity to sit down and discuss your issues together, working towards a resolution. In a narcissist’s eyes, you are always the problem whenever you disagree with them or treat them differently from how they believe they deserve to be treated.
A classic tactic of a hurt narcissist is to blame their victim for their pain; if the victim had acted differently, if they had done what the narcissist wanted, they wouldn’t have gotten hurt in the first place. No behavior or choice on your part justifies abuse from a narcissist but don’t expect them to ever admit that.
A Narcissist’s Viewpoint Is Not Like Yours
If you are trying to understand a narcissist from your own perspective, it won’t work. You simply can’t comprehend their manipulation of others to get what they want, without regard for the consequences of that manipulation, from a viewpoint that values communication and caring in relationships. To a narcissist, you are a tool. You have no value beyond what you can provide for them, and it must be on their terms, no exceptions.
Victims who leave narcissists must be prepared for the war that follows that decision. It’s better than the battles fought inside the relationship because this war is for your freedom. But it will still be brutal, draining, and wear you down over time.
If you know what to expect, you can fight that battle and surround yourself with people and resources who will help you endure. The other side is within reach, and you will get there, but be ready for the fight of your life. You can leave a narcissist, but they will always try to stay in your life.