Similar to families with alcohol addiction, a narcissistic family assigns specific roles to its members, functioning like a cast in a play. The narcissist takes charge, and to keep control and make this unhealthy system function, other family members are pushed into secondary roles.
Often, the spouse enables the narcissistic partner, while the children unknowingly adopt roles such as the golden child, scapegoat, and invisible child. One child is favored, another is frequently criticized or singled out, and one is often ignored. Each role serves to meet the narcissist’s needs.
These roles can shift throughout the children's lives. For example, the scapegoat may become the golden child at one point, and vice versa. The roles depend on what the parent needs the child to be at a given time. This dysfunctional family dynamic prevents genuine emotional connections, especially among siblings. The lasting effects of this dynamic can cause estrangement from those who might have otherwise been a source of support, namely, one's brothers and sisters.
The Scapegoat
Let’s begin by understanding the scapegoat role. When the narcissistic parent projects their insecurities, self-loathing, and critical feelings onto family members, the scapegoat child is usually the primary target. The scapegoat becomes the family’s emotional dumping ground, absorbing the most blame. Bullied and belittled by the narcissistic parent, and often resented by their siblings, scapegoats frequently feel like the “black sheep” of the family.
The scapegoat might be the rebel, the critical thinker, the more independent child, or the one who calls out the narcissist’s behavior when they see it happening. They are usually the first to confront the narcissist’s need for control and challenge their false narrative. Scapegoats are also known to break the family’s unspoken rules. For instance, a scapegoat child might say to their parent, "You claim to love me, but your actions don’t show it," or "We’re supposed to pretend everything’s fine when Grandma visits, but we just had a huge argument how am I supposed to act like nothing happened?"
Unfortunately, other family members may join in scapegoating the chosen child, becoming enablers of the narcissist. The scapegoat often carries the weight of shame for the whole family, believing they are the problem. One person said, "My parents and sister blamed me for everything for so long that I eventually started to believe it." I absorbed it."
Interestingly, scapegoats are often the most resilient members of the family. They see through the dysfunction earlier than others and tend to break free from these harmful patterns sooner. Scapegoats are often the only ones who work to end the cycle of narcissism in their adult lives.
The Golden Child
At first glance, being the golden child might seem desirable, but this role comes with its own challenges. While the narcissistic parent projects their negative emotions onto the scapegoat, they project an idealized version of themselves onto the golden child. This often leads to the golden child becoming more enmeshed with the narcissistic parent than the other siblings. Because of this close relationship, the golden child finds it harder to separate themselves from the parent, as doing so would mean giving up the admiration and attention they receive.
The golden child is often favored, and their siblings are frequently compared to them. Following in the narcissistic parent’s footsteps in career or interests further aligns the golden child with the narcissist. Narcissistic parents typically engage with their children only if the child’s interests align with their own. For instance, if the parent loves soccer but not music, they will attend soccer matches but not piano recitals.
Golden children tend to have mixed feelings about being treated better than their siblings. Some become entitled, expecting special treatment outside the family as well. However, when they encounter the real world, they may feel confused or frustrated when their narcissistic tendencies don’t earn them the same privileges, as they were used to in their family. Some golden children become narcissists themselves if they don’t recognize and address the dynamics of their family. Others feel guilty for the favoritism shown by their parent, knowing it was unfair.
One of the most damaging effects of being the golden child is the constant pressure to maintain the perfect image instilled by the narcissistic parent. This perfectionism can be a heavy burden throughout life. Golden children often struggle with imposter syndrome, feeling like they are never good enough. This can cause harmful behaviors.
It’s clear that the golden child carries a significant burden. While their role may seem enviable to their siblings or outsiders, it comes with deep emotional discomfort that is difficult to shake.