If you were raised by a narcissistic parent, breaking free from the effects of such an upbringing can be life changing.
By "narcissistic," I mean individuals who meet the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder or exhibit many narcissistic traits.
Through my work with numerous people raised by narcissistic parents, I have identified several key aspects of healing. Focusing on these aspects can be freeing, no matter your age, and regardless of whether the narcissistic parent is still part of your life.
Let Go of the Victim Mindset
If you had a narcissistic parent, did you often feel inferior, hopeless, or small? Such feelings are common for children in narcissistic family dynamics.
Many narcissistic parents diminish their children's self worth because it makes them easier to control and more likely to focus on the parent's needs rather than their own.
Feeling victimized can be paralyzing, and those emotions can persist well into adulthood.
Think about the moments when you started feeling small, helpless, or trapped. These emotions could be a sign that you're falling back into a familiar childhood pattern.
In that mindset, you may feel like your only options are to appease, give in, throw a tantrum, or flee.
But the reality is that you're neither small nor powerless. Challenging, intimidating, or overbearing people you meet as an adult are not your parents. They don’t control you and have no right to dictate your life.
As an adult, you have a wide range of healthy ways to heal when you start to feel small or victimized, and you have resources and wisdom that weren’t available to you as a child.
Recognize When Your Narcissistic Parent’s Influence Appears Through Your Inner Critic
Have you ever stopped to listen to your harsh inner thoughts?
For example, if you’re feeling anxious or hesitant about going after a new job opportunity or meeting someone new, your inner critic may label your anxiety as weakness.
If you take the risk and don’t succeed, the same inner critic that shamed you for hesitating might call you foolish for trying.
Inner critics develop in childhood to protect us from harm and perceived danger. Based on that origin, inner critics often operate with a childlike mindset: all or nothing thinking, often filled with catastrophizing. These messages are often contradictory and filled with shame.
Inner critics don’t treat us as whole people. They mock and instill doubt while acting as if they are all knowing.
Sound familiar? It might, because inner critics often sound a lot like narcissistic parents.
Observing and engaging with your inner critics can be good practice for dealing with narcissists and vice versa. Therapeutic techniques, like Internal Family Systems or Voice Dialogue, can help you work through these conversations.
It’s About You, Not Them
Narcissists focus on what you do, particularly what you do for them. They pay little attention to who you are. If you lose sight of yourself around a narcissist, your healing journey will be difficult.
When you begin the work of healing from a narcissistic parent, it might initially feel compelling to focus on the narcissist, recount what happened, and try to understand your parent’s agenda. This is a crucial part of healing.
However, as you grow in your recovery, it’s important to shift focus beyond the narcissist and onto yourself. Focusing solely on the narcissist keeps you locked in the very patterns they trained you to follow: prioritizing them over yourself.
To break free from a narcissist, stop engaging in their manipulations. Step out of the world they create. Stay grounded in your reality.
One of the greatest sources of ongoing suffering is failing to recognize the true source of your pain.
In my experience, while narcissistic parents can cause significant harm, the deepest source of suffering can be when we perpetuate their damage by neglecting our relationship with ourselves.
By remembering who you are and treating yourself in healthy ways your parents didn’t, you can leave behind a painful family legacy.
Understand That Freedom Can Come at a Cost
Reclaiming your power from a narcissistic parent can bring both gains and losses. You may need to let go of a potential inheritance or other material benefits. You might have to walk away from potential opportunities. You may lose an active relationship, whether real or idealized, with a parent or other family members.
These losses can bring up a wide range of emotions. In breaking away from the tight knit, cult like system that revolves around narcissism, you may feel anger not only at what the narcissist did to you but also at how you abandoned yourself in the process.
By allowing yourself to experience all your difficult feelings and mourn the losses, you reconnect with yourself.
As you exit a narcissist’s orbit, new opportunities open up. You can hold your inner critic with compassion rather than battling it. You can recognize and avoid self-sabotaging behaviors. You can gain optimism and hope.
By becoming a reliable guardian of your well being, without needing the illusion of a perfect protector, you build trust in yourself.
You become more discerning about who is trustworthy and who isn’t. You steer clear of those who might use or abuse you in any way.
You open the door to an adult life filled with healthy connections, both with others and with yourself, and you settle for nothing less.