Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) has been identified as a significant issue due to the harm it causes to others. NPD isn’t uncommon (7.7% of men, 4.8% of women) and, given the ways narcissists approach others "romantically," those actively dating are at risk.
Can you identify narcissistic behavior on a first date?
Yes. But you can’t respond to the signs if you don’t recognize them.
Human Needs
We all have needs throughout our lives, but narcissists tend to be stuck in an early stage of development. They exhibit childlike self-centeredness, emotional instability, and an immature, transactional approach to relationships.
1. The Need for Love (and Sex)
One defining feature of narcissism is creating a persona meant to be “desirable.” They craft what they believe others find attractive, often displaying a charming and charismatic exterior. Think of it as a way to sell your idea.
According to psychoanalyst Erich Fromm, narcissists, like children, crave love but cannot offer mature love in return. Lacking empathy, they can’t truly understand or respect you as a person.
Instead, you become a useful object for their narcissistic supply. Thus, they seek to win you over.
On the first date:
Are they charming, charismatic, and romantic? Yes? That’s a major red flag. Disappointing, right? But it’s effective.
Do they flaunt what Fromm called "symbols of narcissism" (their body, luxury items, or an attention-grabbing mustache)? Do they agree with and flatter others, speaking loudly to ensure everyone hears them? Are they constantly scanning the room to see who’s watching them? Do they exaggerate their masculine or feminine traits? Do they claim that "everyone" knows them? Do they compliment your appearance or mention how great you look together?
Keep these observations in mind, but don’t dismiss them.
Later on:
Do they constantly emphasize their sexuality or enjoy making a dramatic entrance? Do they mention how much others find them attractive? Do they claim they’re frequently “hit on” or mention how often they’re complimented? Do they comment on others’ looks, including your friends?
Love-bombing: Do they shower you with compliments, making you feel hot/beautiful/handsome? Do they say they want to treat you like royalty? Do they bring you gifts? Have they finally met someone "worthy of them" and talk about a future together? Do they want to “show you off” or claim you have all the traits of their ideal partner? Are you “special” or “perfect”?
Sex: Do they seem overly intense toward you? When they first touched you, was it with consent or entitlement? Are they sexually aggressive? Do they claim to need sex often and intensely? Does their sex life seem compulsive or rough? What’s their porn usage like?
Other relationships: How do they speak about their former partners? Was "sex boring" or were their exes "unsatisfied"? Did they learn something and then leave? Did they receive financial support or were they helped through school? Were they supported in starting a business? Do all their friends seem to serve some purpose or boost their status in some way? Do they name drop?
These are signs of objectification: People serve a purpose, including you. Sex will be a priority because it’s where they feel most validated and "loved." So ask yourself, what might they want from me? Your status, vacation home, good looks, youth, professional skills, social connections, retirement savings, or physical features? Older women are familiar with the saying, "He wants a nurse with a purse."
2. The Need for Safety
Protecting their fragile ego is crucial, and they often distort reality to achieve this. Vanity and arrogance serve as shields. So, when confronted with reality or mature expectations, they feel threatened.
On the first date:
Do they tell you they dislike being "criticized"? In other words, “don’t give me feedback.” Do they claim to be a "good person" and present their actions as proof? Are they estranged from their children or family members, blaming them for being neglectful or entitled?
Later on:
Do they anger easily? Do they start arguments unexpectedly? Do they manipulate your sense of security (e.g., “Everyone wants me, but I only desire you.”)? Have they manipulated you by saying, 'You're making me feel unsafe'? Do they give you the silent treatment as punishment? Are they possessive or jealous, or do they isolate you from your friends? Do they accuse you or others of things they themselves are doing (projection)? Have you caught them in a lie?
3. The Need for Power and Control
The need for love and safety expressed in these ways is often linked to a strong desire for power and control. As a result, relationships may become one-sided with strict enforcement.
Do they tell you they dislike being interrupted? In other words, “When I’m talking, listen.” Do they mention arguments and "make-up sex"? This creates dependence, and sex/love is used as leverage. Ignoring rules shows they think they’re above them. Do they display signs of feeling entitled to sex, either openly (like making demands or being rough) or more subtly (suggesting they can get sex from someone else)? Are they eager to get you drunk or otherwise impaired? Do they enjoy situations where consent is questionable? Have they infantilized you? What type of porn do they consume?
A high need for power, coupled with a lack of empathy and blame-shifting, sets the stage for abusive behavior, which will be covered in the next part of this series.
Pay Attention and Trust the Signs
It’s easy to fall for a narcissist (think Dirty John or The Tinder Swindler). However, you can avoid heartache and confusion (and even domestic violence) if you know what to watch for.