A narcissist’s primary four needs can clash with yours, especially if you possess emotional intelligence (EI).
A narcissist typically has very different priorities compared to a truly emotionally intelligent individual. This difference often leads to ongoing tension in relationships because both individuals operate from fundamentally different values. The narcissist’s four main needs include self-interest, material possessions or appearance, avoidance of uncomfortable emotions, and maintaining control over you. Meanwhile, someone with emotional intelligence generally focuses on their loved ones’ needs and feelings, nurturing close relationships, having meaningful conversations about difficult emotions, and spending quality time with those they care about.
Narcissists are self centered, so they tend to spend most of their energy focusing on their own needs. This intense self-focus can be so overwhelming that they become oblivious to the needs of their loved ones. For instance, while their partner is juggling household responsibilities like helping one child with homework, preparing dinner, and tending to another child’s needs, the narcissist may be preoccupied with their phone in another room.
In contrast, emotionally intelligent individuals tend to have empathy for others and are attuned to the feelings of their loved ones. They excel in being kind and can prioritize the needs of others when necessary. Often, narcissists exploit this generosity and take advantage of their partner’s caring nature.
The second need of a narcissist often revolves around material possessions or maintaining appearances. They frequently prioritize these things over their relationships. For example, a narcissist may show up an hour late to an important event because they wanted to perfect their hair and makeup before leaving.
On the other hand, emotionally intelligent people prioritize the health and well-being of their relationships above materialistic pursuits. They understand that being present for their loved ones is what truly matters in life, not material possessions. While they might enjoy splurging on a fancy car, they’re more likely to invest their money in something meaningful, like their children's education.
The third need of a narcissist is to avoid discussions about genuine emotions or uncomfortable feelings. They may respond with “I don’t know” when asked how they feel, and they often become frustrated or angry when you express feelings they don’t want to acknowledge. They may withdraw from the conversation altogether or say things that make you question your own emotions.
In contrast, emotionally intelligent people seek to have authentic conversations. They are comfortable discussing their own emotions and are eager to hear about their partner’s feelings. They often encourage their narcissistic partner to “open up,” with the goal of addressing important issues in a clear and honest way.
Finally, the fourth need of a narcissist is to gain and maintain emotional control over you. They may do this by showering you with affection, only to emotionally distance themselves when you don’t comply with their wishes. Narcissists tend to love conditionally, showing affection only when you align with their views and desires. This is their method of manipulating you into doing what they want.
In contrast, emotionally intelligent partners love unconditionally. It doesn’t matter if their partner expresses emotions, opinions, or perspectives they don’t agree with; they still value their partner’s differing views and feelings.
Since a narcissist’s needs in life differ so drastically from those of an emotionally intelligent individual, this can lead to continuous conflicts in the relationship.