I spend much of my professional time helping clients, both adult children and their parents, navigate the sometimes challenging and emotional aspects of parent-child relationships. While the details and situations vary, adult children often express the same core needs over and over again. Here are the key things that adult children need to hear:
"I’m really proud of you." Just like younger kids, adult children still need to hear that their parents are proud of them. Children, no matter their age, often continue seeking approval from their parents. However, adult children may feel uncomfortable asking for that validation. Parents, on the other hand, often assume that their children already know how proud they are, so they might not say it often. The great thing is that parents can express this anytime to remind their children, even if they assume their child already knows.
"You are enough." This phrase is closely tied to "I’m proud of you." I work with many professionals, and recently, one shared her experience transitioning from a resident to a fully practicing doctor. When she told her parents about her first job and the salary she would be earning, her mother didn’t express joy about her daughter’s hard work. Instead, her mother compared her new job to a more "prestigious" medical specialty with a higher income. With tears in her eyes, this accomplished woman shared how it made her feel like she could never be enough. What did she really need to hear? "Wow, we’re so proud of you and your decisions. What you’re doing is amazing." She needed to hear, "You are enough."
"I believe in you." Parents may believe their kids want them to know everything, but adult children often just want their parents to trust their abilities. Parents are in a unique position because they’ve known their child throughout their life, through ups and downs. From that place of knowing their child, parents can offer the gift of confidence in their child. In doing this, parents express love and appreciation for their child. They also help boost their adult child's confidence to handle their own problems instead of stepping in to fix everything.
"I love you." Kids never outgrow the need to hear that they are loved. And while those words don’t lose their meaning if said before, they gain new significance each time they are spoken.
Do these phrases seem obvious? Repetitive? Simple? I hope so. I hope these ideas feel so clear and true that reading them makes you feel like they are the bare minimum. Yet, in many families, these messages were never said, are rarely shared, or stopped being spoken in adulthood. Far from being overly indulgent, these phrases offer clear expressions of a love that has spanned decades. And if these phrases have faded as your child has grown into adulthood, there’s good news. They can always be rediscovered.