Being a parent doesn’t end when your child becomes an adult, but the dynamic certainly shifts. Navigating this new phase can be challenging, especially if your adult child seems to rely on you too much, constantly asking for help, demanding more than you can provide, or ignoring your boundaries. In many cases, adult children who act emotionally needy, manipulative, or even abusive toward their parents are struggling with their own emotional challenges.
It’s important that parents avoid blaming themselves. At the same time, it’s helpful to reflect on what they did well and where they might have fallen short, as this may have influenced their child’s behavior.
The good news is, with clear communication and firm boundaries, you can foster a more balanced and respectful relationship. Here are three methods I share with my parent coaching clients to help stop their adult children from taking advantage of them.
1. Set Clear, Yet Loving Boundaries
If you feel taken advantage of, it’s a sign that boundaries have become blurred. Many parents hesitate to enforce boundaries with their adult children, fearing it will push them away. However, without clear limits, unhealthy patterns will continue. Consider Sharon, whose 26 year old son, Micah, frequently asked her for money but never repaid her.
Initially, Sharon didn’t want to create tension, so she kept lending him money. But over time, resentment built up. After consulting a therapist, she realized she needed to say, “I love you, but I can’t continue to support you financially. "It's time to take responsibility." Setting boundaries isn't about pushing your child away; it's about loving them while still taking care of your own needs.
Tip: Be clear and consistent with your boundaries. Practice saying “no” without feeling guilty and reassure your child that the boundary is for the well being of both of you.
2. Stop Rescuing Them from Every Problem
It’s tempting to step in and fix things when your child is struggling, but constantly rescuing them prevents them from learning how to navigate life on their own. Take Marcus, whose 30 year old daughter, Elisa, called him every time she had an issue at work or a disagreement with friends. Although it was emotionally draining, Marcus would drop everything to offer advice.
In a coaching session, Marcus realized that stepping in was hindering Elisa’s growth. I helped him learn how to offer support without solving her problems by saying, “I believe you can handle this." "Keep me updated on how it works out." This change helped Elisa build problem solving skills while reducing the stress on Marcus.
Tip: Offer support and encouragement, but don’t feel obligated to solve every problem. Allow your adult child to face the outcomes of their decisions and build resilience.
3. Communicate Assertively, Not Aggressively
Many parents feel they must choose between being passive and avoiding conflict or being harsh to get their point across. Neither extreme works well. Instead, assertive communication strikes a balance. Jenna was frustrated with her 25 year old son, Tanner, who frequently showed up late to family dinners without apologizing.
Instead of lashing out, Jenna calmly expressed her feelings: “When you arrive late, it makes me feel disrespected. I’d appreciate it if you could let me know in advance if you’re running behind so we can adjust our plans.” By clearly and respectfully communicating her needs, Jenna set new expectations without damaging the relationship.
Tip: Share your feelings by using "I" statements, without blaming or making others feel guilty. Stay calm but firm, and let your child know what behavior you expect moving forward.
Rebuilding your relationship with your adult child after setting boundaries and expectations may take time, but it leads to healthier interactions in the long run. Remember, you’re not just their parent you’re also a person deserving of respect.
Taking back control of your boundaries and shifting the dynamic with your adult child requires patience and consistency. By establishing clear limits, encouraging personal responsibility, and communicating assertively, you can nurture a more respectful and balanced relationship. These steps benefit both you and your adult child, helping them grow and navigate life independently. In the end, strong boundaries lead to stronger connections.