"
Be curious, not judgmental." — Walt Whitman
The range of human relationships is vast. We have friendships, family bonds, romantic partners, children, parents, and many other connections. Every relationship is one of a kind, just like a fingerprint. Some are close, while others may be strained or even distant. There aren’t many strategies that can apply to every type of relationship.
To some degree, this is true.
However, the two key tools mentioned in Walt Whitman’s quote can benefit almost any relationship.
Developing Curiosity
When people think about communication strategies, they often consider things like setting boundaries, listening, and negotiating. But curiosity may be the foundation that supports all of these efforts and more. It is the key to understanding others and improving interactions in nearly any social situation.
Research by Todd Kashdan and his team has shown that curiosity is linked to reduced conflict (2013). It allows us to really hear each other before making assumptions or jumping to conclusions.
Curiosity also helps us understand what others (and even ourselves) might be thinking or feeling at any given moment, a skill called mentalization, which is crucial for connecting with others (Drozek, 2018).
Another study by Kashdan and his team found that college students who were more curious felt closer to others, both in deep conversations and casual chats (2011). Curiosity opens the door to new relationships and helps us strengthen existing ones.
Even in relationships where most interactions have been negative, curiosity can help us respond better. Often, in difficult relationships, it’s hard to understand why someone is behaving the way they are. We might think they’re being unreasonable or rude without digging deeper into their reasons.
However, understanding those reasons can be key to successful communication.
For those wanting to build curiosity, it can start with small steps like asking someone about their tattoo, taking an extra moment to listen to their stories, or getting their point of view before disagreeing.
Letting Go of Judgment
It’s easy to get caught up in our judgments. We might think someone isn’t worth the effort of getting to know before we’ve even tried. We also tend to use labels to define people. Even knowing someone’s job can lead us to make quick judgments.
Picture a plumber. Now picture a teacher. Do you have a certain image in mind? Do you make assumptions about their hobbies or if you could relate to them?
Sometimes, these ideas help us find common ground. But more often, judgments get in the way.
Judging is sometimes automatic. Instead, we can make an effort to put aside these judgments and look beyond them.
In Conclusion
By being curious and letting go of judgments, we give ourselves the best chance to connect genuinely with others.