"Nothing is more misleading," said Darcy, "than the appearance of humility. It is often just carelessness of opinion, and sometimes an indirect boast." — Jane Austen
Jane felt overwhelmed. Breakfast quickly turned from a small argument about her husband not keeping promises into a heated exchange, ending with his harsh and hurtful words: "No wonder your mother left you." You were single when I met you; no one could stand you."
His words cut deep. She took a deep breath to hold back her tears. Dan glared at her with hostility. He told her she needed therapy, and not in a kind way. Resisting the urge to argue, Jane admitted that she no longer loved him and asked for a divorce. She braced herself for more insults but hoped instead for silence. Dan chose silence and left the apartment.
Over the next few days, Jane fluctuated between fear and relief. She looked forward to leaving the man her husband had become after their child was born; yet the child abuse statistics in stepfamilies haunted and paralyzed her.
The following weekend, they were having dinner in silence when Dan said, "I’m sorry, love. Please don’t leave me." He took full responsibility for his awful behavior and, with tearful eyes, asked for a chance to "grow beyond the man he had become after a marked childhood abuse and even agreed to go to marriage counseling." Jane was grateful for Dan’s apparent humility. The couple contacted several counselors and were scheduled to see one soon.
When the counselor introduced the couple to Imago exercises, Dan's enthusiastic involvement gave Jane optimism. She began to believe that they would soon have the closeness and companionship she longed for. Her heart raced whenever her husband looked into her eyes and held her hand. She had flashbacks to his tendency to jump from affection to rage whenever she dared to disagree with him, but she wanted therapy to work, so she pushed through the discomfort and misattributed her anxiety to her own resentment.
The pair continued their weekly sessions; they reflected on happier times and considered the current state of the relationship. Dan started sharing how he "really felt" about their marriage, while Jane listened, often in disbelief at his criticism of her. For the first two months, she held back from jumping up and shouting "Liar!" Instead, she controlled her reactions, not wanting to appear argumentative and confirm her husband's point. As Jane listened to her husband’s list of grievances, she noticed her mind wandering; she was dissociating. Marriage counseling was making her feel worse.
How Narcissists Undermine Marriage Counseling
Narcissists bring their harmful behaviors into every aspect of their lives. In a therapeutic setting, responsibility for the poor state of the relationship is assumed to be shared, making a narcissist’s self-centeredness and behaviors particularly destructive. Sometimes, these behaviors actively sabotage therapy.
They manipulate and lie. By telling falsehoods, narcissists convince the counselor to believe the distorted realities they’ve imposed on their partner. "Dan informed our counselor that I spend my time thoroughly cleaning every corner of the house and expect him to do the same on his days off. He made me seem like I had OCD or control issues, and he’s a counselor himself, so he knew exactly what to say to raise those flags," Jane said. "He didn't mention that our child and I have severe dust allergies, so I need to clean everything thoroughly every week. While my husband naps, I’m up at 6:30 AM tackling a mountain of chores. I haven’t slept in a single day since our child’s birth. I’m essentially a single parent juggling a full-time job and a toddler; but worse, because he expects me to cook every day and clean up after him. Of course I’m going to be annoyed when he leaves his dirty mugs all over the house. It's not OCD; I just feel taken advantage of."
They push their partner’s buttons to make them seem unreasonable. Denial is a deeply ingrained defense mechanism in narcissists. They may deflect, deny, and shift blame to protect and uphold the false reality that their partner is the problem.
They deflect and avoid accountability. Narcissists aim to steer the conversation away from the main issue at hand, by any means necessary. "I felt like I was losing my mind. He’d tell me one version of the facts in private and tell a completely different one in therapy. Once, we were hiking in the woods when he shared that he’d never really learned how to validate and comfort others; his father would either ignore or mock his mother if she started crying during an argument," Jane said. "We decided to discuss this in therapy, but when I brought it up, my husband said I was overreacting. According to him, I was misremembering and he had shared a much milder version of the story with me. The counselor was blindsided. The session turned into a lecture on ways to connect with each other without falling into criticism."
"A month into marriage counseling, I told my husband that if he kept lying, I’d leave. That’s when he admitted he was 'afraid of being diagnosed with something.' He never told the truth, so I stopped booking our sessions. I won’t subject myself to more gaslighting."