The words we use, especially when referring to ourselves, have a significant impact on our mental state and self-perception.
Here, we broaden our focus to the overall influence of language on our thoughts, specifically the words we choose to describe ourselves.
Our thinking is deeply rooted in language, and the words we speak can have psychological effects, particularly when they are self-directed. The old adage, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me," reminds us that hurtful words from others don't have to affect us. However, harsh and critical words often do cause emotional pain, especially when they come from within. In fact, the negative words we use about ourselves can be just as damaging as any external criticism.
Language Shapes Thought
Benjamin Whorf (1897-1941), an American linguist, proposed that the language we speak influences how we perceive the world. You've probably heard that some Indigenous Arctic communities, like the Inuit, have numerous words for snow. While the accuracy of this claim is debated, the broader idea that language affects thought remains significant. For example, gendered job titles such as "fireman" and "policeman" have largely been replaced by gender-neutral terms like "firefighter" and "police officer." These changes reflect and can even shape societal views on career opportunities for all genders.
As a psychologist, my interest lies in the mental impact of language. Life is full of challenging and disappointing experiences, but failing at something does not make one a failure. A poor performance in an activity, like tennis, doesn't define a person as unsuccessful unless they label themselves as such. Experiences, whether positive or negative, don't define our identity unless we let them.
Avoid Self-Labeling
Psychologists recognize that labeling oneself negatively is a form of cognitive distortion that can affect mood and self-esteem. For instance, if someone like Jane makes a mistake at work, she could view it as a learning opportunity and strive to improve. However, if she labels herself as a "screw-up," she might become discouraged and give up trying. Self-labeling creates a self-fulfilling prophecy, where the expectation of failure leads to actual failure. Calling yourself a failure only makes you feel worse and doesn't help you solve the problems you face.
The Power of Words
Words indeed have power. They can inspire and motivate us or set us up for negative outcomes through self-fulfilling prophecies. Adopting a self-affirming way of speaking to oneself allows for a pause in negative thinking, offering a chance to consider alternative perspectives. Instead of making definitive negative statements like "I'm a failure," try countering with a more balanced thought: "I've made mistakes, but that doesn't make me a failure. What matters most is what I do next."
In Shakespeare's "Hamlet," it's noted that "there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." This suggests that by changing our thinking, we can change how we feel about situations. Consulting a cognitive behavioral therapist can help in identifying negative thought patterns and transforming your internal dialogue to avoid poisoning your mind with negative labels.
Whose Words Are They?
Consider what you say to yourself when no one else is around. Do you encourage yourself, preparing for life's challenges, or do you put yourself down? Often, negative self-talk mirrors critical voices we've internalized from significant figures in our lives, such as parents, teachers, or peers.
The key takeaway is that the negative remarks you make about yourself can't take hold unless you allow them to. Remember Oscar Wilde's advice: "Don't shoot the pianist; he's doing his best." Similarly, we should be gentle with ourselves, acknowledging that we are doing our best and avoiding self-inflicted verbal wounds.