For nearly a year, Liam has been struggling with uncertainty about whether to stay in his two-year relationship with Sadie. He’s generally content but feels a nagging sense that there might be someone better out there perhaps waiting for him on a dating app.
He often wonders, "What if I break up and never find someone better?" But then he thinks, "What if I'm missing out on someone new? If I even glance at a dating app, I’m overwhelmed by possibilities. But we’ve moved in together now.”
Meredith has been with Jeffrey for many years. She’s frustrated that many of her friends are already married and starting families, and she both longs for and fears a proposal. She worries that Jeffrey isn’t the right match for her, but she dreads being single and starting over. “We have so many memories, so much history,” she says. “It feels like it would be such a waste of time to give up now.”
Meredith and Liam are both caught in what’s known as the sunk cost fallacy. This is a concept from behavioral economics that describes our tendency to keep investing in something not because it’s the right choice, but because we’ve already put significant resources into it.
Research shows that investments of time, effort, or money heavily influence people’s inclination to stay in relationships, even if they’re unhappy. Here’s how to prevent falling into this trap.
1. Let Go of the Past.
You’ve spent years together. You share a home. You relocated to be closer to her family. When we invest in our relationships, it often means not investing in something else and that “something else” could have been wonderful. But staying in an unhappy relationship doesn’t change that: All you’re doing is losing more time.
The question isn’t “How much have you invested?” The question is “What’s happening now?” Are you happy today? Do you look forward to seeing your partner? Is your daily experience with them characterized by conflict or support? If your current experience with a partner is negative, why do you think it will be different in the future? If it’s positive, why do you believe another relationship would be better?
2. Focus on the Future.
When Meredith met Jeffrey, he worked full-time at a tech company. After he was laid off, he took up surfing and made little effort to find a new job, and it soon became clear he might never do so.
People get stuck in the sunk cost fallacy because ending things is painful and costly: moving, rethinking friendships, etc. They worry about finding and starting a relationship with someone new. They compare the pain of breaking up with the comfort of staying another day, week, or year. This is the wrong comparison. Consider thinking about what your life will be like 10 or 20 years from now if you decide to stay. For Meredith, this meant imagining her future with a man who chose surfing over pursuing a career. Suddenly, the cost of moving didn’t seem so high.
Do you see the potential for shared growth in a positive direction, or do you see stagnation or conflict over differing values and goals? What is the cost of staying?
3. Tell the Whole Story.
If you’ve put alot of time, energy, and effort into your relationship, it’s easy to present an overly positive front to friends and family. You tell your friends about the nice dinner he made for your birthday, but leave out the part where he went out with his friends an hour later.
Keeping up appearances while your spirit is low can lead to further confusion. Sharing the full story with a therapist or close friend can help you regain perspective.
4. Examine Your Need to Compare.
“Steve’s new girlfriend is so funny,” Liam thinks. “I wish Sadie were wittier.” But later he reflects, “Sadie is much more down-to-earth, which is a great quality.”
While it’s important to know what you want from a partner, comparing yourself and your relationship with those around you is a surefire way to make poor decisions or deepen your uncertainty. Unfortunately, comparison is so ingrained in human behavior that we often don’t realize we’re doing it. Social media only increases harmful comparisons, as we see only the most polished and curated versions of others’ lives.
Others’ relationships have complexities and nuances that you can’t see from the outside, making them a terrible benchmark for your own relationship. So it’s crucial to recognize when you’re comparing, and become curious about how it’s affecting you. Is the comparison giving you meaningful information about something you genuinely need from a relationship like someone to have fun with? Or is the focus on what others have a result of your own insecurity and desire to “keep up”?
5. Make a Decision.
Liam overcame his fear of future regret by reducing his harmful comparisons. The shared values and generally positive time spent together led him to decide to stay, although he hasn’t made a serious commitment yet.
Meredith chose to end her relationship with Jeffrey because she realized their values didn't align. Being career-driven, she understood that staying together would only result in ongoing unhappiness or a future breakup. But she didn’t regret the time they spent together; instead, she was glad to learn from the experience.
She also managed to avoid the most damaging aspect of the sunk cost fallacy. When people drag out unsatisfying relationships just because they’ve already invested in them, they make the situation worse by investing even more time and effort trying to turn the relationship into something it’s not. Instead, she gave herself and Jeffrey the space to make a fresh start.