The covert narcissist uses tactics like love-bombing and emotional withdrawal to exert control. Narcissists are often seen as possessive and controlling. They want to know your location, who you're with, and what you're doing all the time. However, there is a type of narcissist who takes a different approach to gain control. In fact, this type of partner might appear indifferent to your whereabouts. Yet, the control they seek can be just as damaging.
Through a cycle of idealization (love-bombing) and devaluation (emotional withdrawal), the covert narcissist makes you believe that you are "the one," and that no one else in their life is as "special" as you. They make it seem like you mean everything to them.
But then, things change. Instead of the constant stream of fun, chatty, and flirtatious messages and interactions, there's silence. The sudden drop in communication is unsettling, and you try to reach out by texting and calling, but there's no response. At first, you worry that something has happened to them, but then you see them posting on social media. Your heart races, and your mind spins.
You panic and wonder, "Did I do something wrong?" You constantly think about and revisit your recent conversations and interactions with them. Even though you can't think of anything, the feeling that you've lost their affection is overwhelming.
A couple of days later, you finally get a message. "Hey, what's up?" The relaxed tone of the message contrasts with the intense emotional distress you've felt from their sudden and unexplained absence, leaving you feeling confused. You text back and ask why they haven't responded to you. They reply, "I've been busy with work and hanging out with friends." Upset, you ask why they didn't at least check in, and they quickly become defensive. They suggest that they don't appreciate the "pressure" and imply that you are being insecure.
As you try to explain your feelings, they act annoyed and show no empathy for how you feel. You're desperate to regain the love that was lost, so you ask, "Did I do something wrong?" They smirk and say, "Honestly, I think you spend too much time with your sister. It's weird. It's like you two never grew up." Surprised and embarrassed, you start to wonder if their criticism is valid. After some self-reflection, you decide that you do, in fact, talk to her a lot, and that your partner might have a point. You vow to spend less time with your sister.
As the relationship continues, you constantly monitor yourself to make sure you're doing what your partner wants. You go out of your way to please them because you can't risk the pain of being emotionally abandoned again. It hurts too much. You may not even realize the control you're relinquishing because it is subtle, and your partner blames you for it.
In this situation, the manipulative partner takes emotional control by alternating between excessive flattery and criticism. They overwhelm you with affection, which can be very intoxicating. The new love may feel more intense than anything you've ever experienced before. But then, they disappear and withdraw their attention, affection, and love, and you're left terrified. As you scramble to restore the love, they subtly indicate that they disapprove of your interest in certain things. Unfortunately, these are usually the things that are most important to you.
The covert narcissist gradually manipulates you into sacrificing these things for the sake of the relationship. Over time, you may give up almost everything that matters to you, including friends, family, hobbies, interests, and goals. The covert narcissist has significant emotional control over you and has positioned themselves at the center of everything you do, even though you are rarely at the center of what they do.
This emotional manipulation can be devastating. It can also negatively affect both your mental and physical health.