"Nico is always trying to manipulate us. He’ll come to the dinner table only if we serve the food he wants: chicken nuggets, pizza, or pasta. We enjoy spending time outside together, but when I say it’s time to stop and get ready for bed, he’ll only comply if I agree to let him have more video game time. It feels like we owe him something every time we set a boundary or say no to anything. He always demands his share."
This is a common situation in families with children who are determined to be in control and can be resistant to demands. Sometimes, this is referred to as “balancing the scales” by getting something in return.
As I work with parents to figure out the best way to handle these situations and provide their children with what they need rather than what they want I think about how to give these kids a sense of control in a healthy way that encourages positive behavior in the real world. Here’s the general approach that I find most helpful for these families.
Take Nico, age 6, who always demands his share. He dislikes going to Greek School and insists that if he agrees to go, his parents must give him an extra two hours of video game time when he comes home to make up for the time he spends at this "boring" school. Previously, his parents had been giving in because they didn’t see any other option, but it didn’t feel right. So, we came up with an strategy.
They validate Nico’s feelings: “We know you don’t like Greek School, and we understand. It’s a decision made by mom and dad because it’s important to us that you learn about our history and culture.” They avoid arguing with him when he responds that he doesn’t care. Experience has shown that defending their position only results in Nico getting more upset and argumentative, challenging every point they try to make. Instead, they acknowledge and accept that he doesn’t like it, and that’s fine. But he still has to go.
At the same time, they let Nico know that because Greek School is extra to regular school and requires a lot of mental effort, on Greek School days they’ll have an indoor picnic (which he loves) with one of his favorite foods that he will choose and help prepare. The idea is to include something special in the plan to acknowledge his hard work. This makes it easier to resist giving in to his often unreasonable demands and supporting his belief that they owe him something for making him go.
They explain that they won’t fight with him about going. They acknowledge that they can’t physically force him to get into the car. So, his choices are: when it’s time to go to Greek School, if he’s ready, they can add five minutes to his screen time since it saves time when he cooperates. If he’s not ready, every minute they have to wait for him will be taken from his screen time later that day. The idea is to teach him that cooperating saves time and creates more opportunities for “extras.” When he doesn’t cooperate, tasks take longer, which means time is taken away from the “extras.”
The combination of not engaging in a fight, which Nico is looking for as it gives him a sense of power, and adding some extras to give him a sense of control leads to greater cooperation.