Viewing your partner through a fixed perspective can hinder intimacy.
Among the many ways to undermine closeness in a relationship, few things are as damaging as having a fixed image of your partner. This not only locks them into a negative perception in your mind but also offends them and pushes them away, even as you claim to want them closer.
Recognizing a Fixed Image
A fixed image of your partner often starts with sentences like "You always…" or "You never…" followed by some form of criticism. For example, "You always go silent whenever I try to talk to you," or "You never show that you care about me." These statements create a negative impression that is hard to change, even if your partner wants to improve after hearing such remarks.
Why We Create Fixed Images
Fixed images can develop for several reasons and become more entrenched over time. They often start after we feel hurt in some way, serving as a defense mechanism to protect ourselves from further pain. By saying our partner "always" or "never" acts a certain way, we create a sense of security and control in the relationship. We think we know who they are, so there won't be any surprises.
The Impact of Fixed Images
Imagine being on the receiving end of such projections. It can cause confusion, anger, and insecurity. You might wonder, "Is that really true? Am I really that bad?" The answer is no; neither you nor your partner is always or never a certain way, especially not in a negative sense.
Melting the Fixed Image
To change this, start by noticing when you use the words "always" or "never" when thinking about or speaking to your partner. Even a fixed mental image that you don’t voice can harm your relationship. Replace "always" or "never" with "sometimes." For example, "Sometimes you go quiet when I try to discuss a difficult topic," or "Sometimes you withdraw when I want to talk." You'll likely feel a softening inside when using "sometimes," compared to the hardness of "always" and "never."
Next, replace your fixed belief about your partner with curiosity. Instead of making a definitive statement, ask a question. For example, "Sometimes, when I try to discuss a tough topic, it feels like you begin to distance yourself. Is that true?" This approach is more inviting and makes your partner more likely to engage positively.
Finally, take personal responsibility. Consider what you might be doing to contribute to the situation and if there’s anything you can do to change it. For example, "How can I bring up difficult topics to make it easier for you to respond?" I don’t want to push you away; I’m bringing this up so we can be closer."
Building Intimacy
If you want to foster intimacy in your relationship, ensure you're not doing things that undermine it. Follow these easy steps to see noticeable results. It’s not always this way, but it certainly can be sometimes.