A few years back, a friend of mine faced challenges with infertility. Amid her depression and disappointment, her mother-in-law offered some unexpected advice: “Parenthood isn’t everything,” the older woman said. “You dedicate years working hard for your children, but even if you do everything perfectly, they might not appreciate your efforts. Whether all the work and selflessness are worth it in the end is up for debate.”
We embark on our parenting journey expecting it to be joyful and fulfilling, believing it will bring us a lifetime of happiness and connection with our children. However, as a therapist, I know these expectations are often unmet. Parenthood is challenging, sometimes heartbreakingly so. Children can become ill, struggle with disabilities, or go astray. Once they’re grown, we may face difficulties with our adult children. They might make poor decisions, hold different values, marry someone unsuitable, develop addictions, or get involved in problematic groups. They may even reject or distance themselves from us. There’s no guarantee that we’ll have a happy experience as grandparents or that our adult children will be there for us as we age.
Given these realities, it’s not surprising that more people are choosing to remain childfree, especially as raising children feels more demanding than ever, and the stigma around being childless is fading. A recent Pew Research Center report found that the number of Americans under 50 who said they are unlikely to ever have children has increased by 10% since 2018. Currently, 47% don’t think they will become parents. Many women are choosing to remain childfree to focus on other aspects of their lives, like their careers, travel, and relationships. There are books, websites, and social media influencers, like Childfree Millennial, with thousands of followers, all dedicated to the childfree by choice lifestyle.
While it’s positive that society is more accepting of those who don’t have children, we do a disservice to potential parents when we romanticize childlessness or portray skipping parenthood as a life optimization strategy. The fact that women have more freedom to choose their own paths is worth celebrating. Having children isn’t right for everyone, and it’s arguably better for individuals and society if people have children for the right reasons, not just because it’s expected. However, it’s misleading to suggest that choosing not to have children is a simple lifestyle decision, like deciding whether to rent or buy a home. We are, after all, human beings. The desire to have children is part of our deep, instinctual nature. Opting out of this experience has profound implications that may be difficult to fully understand. It’s overconfident to believe we can fully assess all aspects of such a decision.
Reproduction is why any of us are here. It’s what people and all other life forms on our planet have been doing in some way since life began. We all have an unconscious, instinctual drive to create. Learning how to do so is part of growing into what psychologist Carl Jung called individuation becoming who we are meant to be. As Jung wrote, “Individuation is the process of becoming the person you are destined to be, fulfilling the potential you were born with.” For many of us, having children will be a significant part of fulfilling our inherent potential.
Of course, having children isn’t the only way to be creative or generative. One can bring new ideas, businesses, institutions, or traditions into the world. We can support and grow communities, organizations, initiatives, and values. However, raising children satisfies an ancient drive and fulfills our biological purpose. Jung noted that ignoring our instincts can be dangerous.
As my friend’s mother-in-law pointed out, having children is certainly no guarantee of happiness. But it is one way to shape our lives around something bigger than our individual desires. In his autobiography, written toward the end of his life, Jung emphasized the importance of being connected to something greater than oneself. “A key question for anyone is: Are you connected to something infinity or not? That is the telling question of your life. Only if we know that which truly matters is infinite can we avoid fixing our interest on trivialities and goals that are not of real importance.” Living a life of meaning and purpose requires that we dedicate ourselves to something larger than ourselves. While there are countless ways to do this that don’t involve having children, parenthood uniquely shifts and challenges our sense of self.
The writer Khalil Gibran said that children are “the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.” Allowing ourselves to be part of this process is a profound experience. The full consequences of skipping this opportunity are difficult to assess and shouldn’t be obscured by reassuringly positive rhetoric. For as long as humanity has existed, people have had children, and many have found it deeply meaningful devoting themselves to raising the next generation. If parenthood has worked well for so many before us, it’s probably unwise to dismiss the option based on idealized images from social media.