These techniques are rooted in the core principles of emotional intelligence, including emotional regulation, understanding social dynamics, and self-awareness.
When you possess emotional intelligence, you're naturally in tune with your feelings. Recognizing, identifying, and processing challenging emotions allows you to understand them and respond in a constructive manner, rather than defensively. However, a narcissist often attempts to make you doubt your emotions by imposing their distorted version of reality on you. This tactic is one of their most dangerous weapons. Therefore, one emotionally intelligent strategy to use with a narcissist is to trust your feelings. If something feels incredibly unfair in the relationship, it probably is. Trust your instincts.
The ability to manage your emotions also enables you to appear calm even in situations where you’re being significantly provoked. If you "lose control," which is understandable in these scenarios, the narcissist might try to portray you as the one who is "irrational." They may even twist your words out of context and spread them to others behind your back. Although it can be extremely difficult, staying calm when a narcissist is trying to manipulate you is crucial.
As someone with emotional intelligence, you have a keen ability to understand social dynamics. This skill is useful when educating yourself on the ways a narcissist manipulates you. A narcissist usually embeds a grain of truth somewhere in their distorted narrative. Often, when you hear one truthful statement, you may assume the entire story is accurate, but it isn’t. Remind yourself not to get caught up in a narcissist’s false narrative just because they include a small piece of truth.
Self-awareness is another key aspect of emotional intelligence. You are someone who "looks in the mirror." This trait allows you to take responsibility for a mistake in a relationship, which is typically a great quality, but it can backfire when dealing with a narcissist. For instance, if you are arguing with a narcissist and they say hurtful and offensive things, you may "lose your temper" and say mean things in return. You might feel guilty and be tempted to sweep the entire interaction under the rug because you did something wrong too. Instead of taking this route, it's important to own your part in the exchange in a balanced way. Simply acknowledge your minor offense and continue to hold the narcissist accountable for their emotional manipulation.
The final strategy involves combining emotional regulation, understanding social dynamics, and self-awareness. Your emotional intelligence allows you to stay calm, analyze the situation, understand the manipulation, and set a boundary so you are not disrupted or taken advantage of again in the future by the narcissist. When setting a boundary, it's important to be concise and direct. In as few words as possible and without justifying yourself, establish the boundary. For example, "I'll take over my social media from now on. It causes too many conflicts, but thanks for your help so far." If the narcissist demands an explanation, simply repeat the boundary. You may need to politely repeat it several times before they accept it.
Using emotionally intelligent strategies when dealing with a narcissist is essential. It may take some practice, but it can save you from further emotional manipulation. You can find additional information on this topic in my new book, 'How to Outsmart a Narcissist: Using Emotional Intelligence to Regain Control at Home, Work, and in Life'.