Separation often results from unresolved problems and built-up emotional pain. After six years together, Trevor and Cami have broken up. They argue constantly, and the happy moments are few and far between. Trevor feels controlled, while Cami feels neglected.
When couples are on the brink of divorce or breakup, they often talk about reaching a breaking point like Trevor and Cami. They're tired of the constant fights, the control, and the lack of attention; for others, it's physical violence or affairs. Whatever "it" is, they're done.
But beneath these breaking points are usually long-standing issues that have finally reached their limits. Here are the five most common ones:
1. Arguments That Spiral Out of Control
Arguments and disagreements are often about clearing the air, finally addressing an issue that has been ignored or due to a stressful situation. However, when arguments spiral out of control, where neither party can calm down, this is where you're in dangerous territory harsh comments, mocking, and even physical violence that leave scars and long-lasting resentment.
2. Complicated Issues
These intense arguments may be followed by days of ignoring each other, pretending nothing happened, or offering half-hearted apologies. But the couple avoids bringing up the issue again out of fear of triggering another fight. For conflict-avoidant couples who stay quiet and replace arguing with emotional distance, the result is the same issues become more complicated and turn into landmines, and the couple is constantly walking on eggshells.
For example, Trevor and Cami can't bring up Christmas 2018, mention Cami's brother, or address Trevor's increasing marijuana use; they can't agree on parenting and end up hurting each other. Their conversations become shallow, and tension and distance are ever-present. The relationship becomes tight and lifeless.
3. Triggering of Emotional Wounds
We all carry emotional triggers from our childhood. The most common ones are feeling overly controlled and criticized like Trevor or dismissed and ignored like Cami. Not only do these triggers start the arguments, but each trigger fuels the other's: Trevor pushes back when he feels constantly controlled, which in turn triggers Cami's feeling of not being heard.
4. Accumulating Resentment
The constant arguments or emotional distance, the ongoing triggering of emotional wounds, and the piling up of unresolved issues take a toll. The past, instead of being filled with good memories and feelings, is littered with hurts and wounds that sometimes flare up and create an undercurrent of sadness, hopelessness, or simmering resentment. Each person becomes attuned to the negative; anything positive seems out of place.
5. Lack of Shared Interests and Connections
Finally, some couples try to avoid the above issues by distraction. They stop being a couple and become parents, focused on children's activities, or workaholics, leaving little time or energy for their relationship. As the kids grow older and more independent, the couples retire from work, and the old glue that held them together is gone. The idea of spending the next 20-plus years as roommates is no longer an option.
How to Avoid Divorce or Breakups
The answer is simple but can feel challenging: You need to address the issues you're struggling with most.
Manage Arguments
To avoid the damage that arguments can cause, you need to do two things: One is controlling your emotions to keep the arguments from getting out of hand. The key is focusing on yourself, recognizing when your anger is rising, and taking steps to cool down saying that you're upset and stepping away but promising to return, listening instead of arguing back. This is about cooling things down, not about winning.
Revisit and Resolve Issues
While the first step is lowering the temperature of the argument, the second step is revisiting and resolving the issue instead of making up and sweeping it under the rug. The key here is waiting until emotions have fully cooled so you can think clearly and come up with a solution that works for both of you.
Heal Wounds by Avoiding Triggers
Trevor needs to tell Cami that he is sensitive to being told what to do; Cami needs to let Trevor know that when he gets angry and withdraws or doesn't follow through on what she's asking, she feels dismissed and ignored. Instead of arguing about whose perspective is right and who is more of a victim, their challenge is working together not to trigger each other.
This isn't about Trevor or Cami staying quiet but rather about being mindful of how they bring up issues; each needs to look to the other for guidance. Trevor needs to tell Cami how to speak differently so he isn't triggered, just as Cami needs to tell Trevor how to express his feelings without triggering her feeling dismissed.
Replace Resentment with Compassion and Appreciation
Since you can't change the past, the key to healing resentment is changing what you do in the present showing compassion and appreciation, avoiding diving into the past when angry, and instead focusing on solving everyday problems.
Build Connection by Making the Relationship a Priority
The challenge here starts with addressing the elephant in the room namely, the disconnection and distraction. Then, you break autopilot patterns by deliberately creating new ones: scheduling date nights and intimacy, exploring new interests stage performances, dance classes, bird-watching. You need to move your relationship from the sideline to the forefront.
The theme is clear: managing emotions, resolving issues, moving forward, and finding new ways to connect. Instead of being resentful and trying to change the other person, focus on changing the emotional environment.