"Why are people so angry with me?" This is a question I often asked myself growing up. Whether it was my frustrated elementary school teacher trying to get me to put on my shoes only to discover I chose not to wear them that day, or the bewildered look on my college roommates' faces when I mentioned I planned to pick up my mail but returned with only my own, I frequently found myself in conflicts with others, which was surprising. It took years of living, forming relationships, and learning about myself and others to realize that my preferences often differed significantly from others'. Showing kindness to me meant taking a few extra steps and openly discussing my expectations.
Autism and Dual Empathy
The concept of dual empathy was coined by autistic researcher Dr. Damian Milton, describing how misunderstandings arise when two people who experience the world differently communicate. This is particularly relevant in conversations between autistic individuals and neurotypicals. Let me explain.
We naturally understand people who think and feel similarly to ourselves. Variations in perspective are common, but when people have different neurotypes, communication is more likely to break down due to differences in preferences, social styles, processing, life experiences, and other areas (Milton et al., 2022). For example, when I grabbed my mail from the mailbox as a student, I thought it was okay to just take my mail and leave others'. I preferred not to handle others' belongings, assuming they wouldn't want me to touch theirs either. It didn't occur to me that my roommate would be shocked by what she saw as an inappropriate display of selfishness.
Dual empathy is a well-documented phenomenon that affects not only autistic individuals' interpretations of neurotypical emotions but also how neurotypicals understand autistic individuals. A study involving 81 participants from the general public, reading a personal story written by either an autistic or non-autistic individual, found significantly lower accuracy in empathy scores when the reader encountered an autistic narrative (Cheang et al., 2024). Another study assigned autistic and non-autistic individuals to engage in a conversation task while being observed by a third party, consistently finding that conversations between similar neurotypes (autistic with autistic and non-autistic with non-autistic) were perceived as smoother (Jones et al., 2023).
What Does This Have to Do with Boundaries?
While boundaries are sometimes explicitly set by oneself or others, they are often implied and contextual. For instance, we might consider how much personal information to disclose to a specific person in a given role and situation. When two people make those judgments based on different experiences of the social world, misunderstandings are likely to occur.
Thus, boundaries between neurotypical and autistic individuals often go unnoticed, and boundary violations may be perceived as intentional when they were not. When assumptions are made and misunderstandings are not corrected, this can lead to the "surprise anger" I mentioned earlier.
What Can Be Done?
Three things can be very helpful in defining boundaries between neurotypical and autistic individuals:
1. Clear Communication
It's easy for signals to be missed, especially in mixed neurotype interactions. Therefore, boundaries may need to be explicitly discussed. For example, start by discussing when it's too late to call and how to communicate when boundaries are crossed.
2. Avoid Assumptions
It's easy to jump to conclusions when someone doesn't respect our boundaries. However, sometimes it's genuinely the case that someone isn't aware of the boundary or its significance. If someone violates your boundary, ask questions before making judgments.
3. Clarify Expectations
Sometimes, we can be quick to assume others share our preferences, as my roommate and I did with the mail. However, when interacting with someone who may experience the world differently, asking small questions about preferences can go a long way. Would you rather listen to music or enjoy silence while driving?" or asking, "Are you comfortable with hugs?" before assuming the person you're talking to has the same preferences as you do.
Conclusion
Dual empathy can make defining boundaries between people of different neurotypes more complex. However, with clear communication, an open mind, and curiosity, it's possible to approach each other with care and respect.