It’s a common occurrence: some couples grow apart after a miscarriage, while others become closer. Pregnancy loss can significantly affect a relationship, depending largely on how both partners grieve and cope with the loss of their unborn child. It can be challenging to know how to feel after a pregnancy loss, let alone how to support your partner through it.
Understanding a Recurring Dream
During periods of infertility, recurrent pregnancy loss, and potential childlessness, I experienced a recurring dream. Despite being in a stable, long-term relationship, I kept dreaming I was single. In the dream, I wandered through new places, meeting new people, distracted by the hustle and bustle. Then, a terrifying realization would hit me with the same dreadful force each time: I was single. My body would freeze and my heart would race. How could this happen? Suddenly, I stood completely alone in a busy world.
Deciphering the meaning of my dream seemed straightforward. The fear of a future without living children and the loneliness I imagined terrified me. But there was more to it. The loneliness following pregnancy loss is multi-layered. In my case, my partner didn’t share the same devastation and grief for the lost pregnancies and the prospect of a childless future.
On many occasions, my partner calmly explained that "it was different" for him. He hadn’t experienced the same physical changes that I did. He believed his excitement about our children would likely kick in after they were born. Unlike me, my partner hadn’t formed a strong bond with our unborn children. Already a father, he didn’t face the possibility of a childless life. Conversely, the idea of us having a child-free life was not as daunting for him. Despite my rational efforts to accept his explanation, my recurring dream reminded me of how alone these differences made me feel.
Different Grief: A Common Relationship Challenge After Pregnancy Loss
This difference in our experiences has a name: incongruent grief, describing how both partners grieve their unborn child in different ways. Research by Obst and colleagues (2020) consistently finds that women experience higher levels of grief and more intense grief reactions than their male partners. Additionally, women express their grief more openly and want to share it with others. Conversely, men typically bottle up emotions, occupy themselves with activities, and take on the role of supporting their partners.
Gender stereotypes may have influenced the different ways male and female partners grieve. The notion of a "real man" being unemotional, unfazed by challenging circumstances, and a provider and protector for their family runs deep in our society. This message can make it harder for men to connect with their grief following pregnancy loss. Additionally, male partners may suppress their emotions to remain strong for their partner. These gender stereotypes may also affect same sex couples, depending on each partner’s relationship with aspects of male or female roles. Additional stereotypes surrounding gestational versus non-gestational partners may further affect same-sex couples’ grief.
The strength of each partner’s bond with their unborn child is another factor that may influence grief. A baby during pregnancy is not always granted the status of a person. Thus, while one partner may have developed a strong bond with their unborn baby, the other may not have. Often, though not always, the gestational partners develop this bond earlier in pregnancy.
How Different Grief Can Divide a Couple After Pregnancy Loss
There are at least three ways incongruent grief can erode and damage a relationship:
1. A Push-Pull Dynamic: Different levels of grief can lead the partner grieving more intensely to perceive the other as distant and uncaring. This may cause the grieving partner to become critical and rejecting, leading the other partner to withdraw. As a result, both partners feel misunderstood and retreat, depriving each other of the support they both need.
2. Emotional Wounds Hurt: The isolation caused by different grief can leave the partner hit harder by the loss deeply hurt by the other’s response. They may feel that their partner wasn’t fully there when they needed them most. This hurt can become a relationship wound, damaging even strong bonds between partners.
3. Sex Becomes Complicated: The couple’s sex life can also be affected by infertility and miscarriage. What used to be a source of pleasure can become a reminder of the loss. Sex might also trigger anxiety about another pregnancy and miscarriage. If one partner loses interest in sex while the other still desires it, this can lead to arguments and feelings of rejection for both partners.
Three Tasks to Help Partners Manage Different Grief After Pregnancy Loss
1. Remembering Your Baby Together: Despite their differences, both partners grieve in their unique way. A grieving ritual or symbol could create a shared space for both partners’ grief. A ritual could include anything from a memorial service to participating in the Wave of Light during Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Week. Finding a commemorating ritual or item that feels "right" for both partners can be a meaningful way to come together as a couple.
2. Talk, Listen, Pause, Then Talk Again: Different grief can cause isolation. When we feel alienated from someone, our instinct is to withdraw. Partners making the opposite move and talking to each other is crucial. It could involve discussing feelings of overwhelming sadness or numbness. Whatever one feels, it is about listening to each other with the intent to understand and not blame. This can be particularly challenging because anger, often found under grief, makes us want to blame. Talking might cause tension or feel awkward it may happen in small increments, with long pauses in between. If you and your partner are struggling to talk to each other, couple therapy for pregnancy loss may help.
3. Don’t Solely Rely on Your Partner: While you don’t want to distance yourself from your partner, you also don’t want to over-rely on them. There is often an expectation that a partner should understand how pregnancy loss feels better than anyone else. If they do, this is incredibly fortunate. However, when different grief is present, both partners could benefit from support or distractions outside the relationship. If you need to talk, seek someone who understands. Online communities of people who have experienced pregnancy loss can be supportive. Conversely, if your way of coping is immersing yourself in work, DIY projects, or gaming, that’s okay too. However, it’s important to gently communicate to your partner your need for a break and to stay strong, so they don’t feel ignored and neglected.