Contrary to popular belief, narcissistic individuals aren't solely shaped by trauma, at least not in the conventional sense. The factors contributing to the development of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) differ from the survival struggles typically associated with fear-based experiences. Unlike other personality disorders, narcissism is often linked to a different kind of upbringing.
A common trait among those with narcissistic tendencies is a consistent, excessive, and unrealistic praise for certain traits that set them apart, especially those highly valued by their community, such as physical appearance, intelligence, or even trivial attributes like height or hair color.
It’s important to understand that narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) often results from a combination of inherent self-centered traits, privileged circumstances such as being spoiled, and being treated as a symbol or an object to fulfill the desires of significant figures like parents, teachers, coaches, or community leaders. In my book, "Trauma and Its Consequences," I explain how stereotyping affects the minds of individuals who are used in various ways. The "brilliant" person often becomes an extension of these figures, helping to compensate for their own shortcomings or insecurities, which could include professional failures, physical issues, or even financial struggles.
This environment leads to distorted perceptions of self-worth, the value of others, and the appropriateness of their actions from an early age. They are often raised by or live among people who either prioritize their own needs over others' or neglect those deemed "less than" or potential rivals.
Such an upbringing fosters a sense of entitlement, encouraging individuals to detach from empathy and engage in behaviors like breaking laws, exploiting others, and disregarding rules in pursuit of their perceived superiority and the status they believe they deserve. They come to view their needs as paramount, often ignoring the feelings and rights of others, which reinforces their narcissistic behaviors and distorted self-image.
Initially, this attitude might be seen as necessary for the success of the group as a whole, rather than for the individual alone.
Generally, people with NPD are motivated to achieve and maintain the grandiosity that has been constructed for them and that they embrace as their identity. Over time, these traits become entrenched in their character.
The drive to outperform others contributes to their cold and detached nature, as their sense of success is linked to those in their inner circle. While they may project an image of being close to many people, deep down they often feel incredibly lonely because their friends are either seen as competitors or as tools for manipulation. It's common to hear them refer to themselves as imposters in a therapeutic setting.
The disconnection from their core self may be one reason why NPD symptoms worsen as the person achieves many of their goals. Their behavior becomes more extreme and destructive because they seek satisfaction even when they have attained everything they supposedly wanted.
Discontent is a hallmark of someone with NPD.
After the emotional rollercoaster that plagues individuals with NPD, they often seek escape from reality in various ways. They typically leverage their assets, such as making money, capitalizing on their appearance, or showcasing their physical talents, to maintain recognition. However, they may become obsessed with preserving this recognition while dreading the immense effort required to sustain the illusion. Exhausted and fearful of being exposed, they might turn to drugs, sex, alcohol, deceit, cheating, or other means to avoid confronting themselves, their limitations, and taking responsibility for their actions.
Falling out of favor is almost inevitable. As their decline becomes more apparent, they begin to resent everyone, including those who once bought into their sense of importance. Over time, those who admired them may become disillusioned. The people who 'see through' their façade are often those closest to them partners or even children who understand them better than others and pose a threat to their constructed image. This is why they cause so much damage to those around them.
When they can no longer manipulate or control those who could expose them, they feel lost and endangered.
They may go to great lengths to eliminate these threats before risking exposure. This behavior often entangles them in significant financial, emotional, physical, and social consequences, usually in that order.
Many individuals with NPD discuss their difficult upbringings, adopt a victim mentality, and even develop a victim mindset as a way to exert control over others. This has become even more common as "trauma" is now frequently used to explain and justify almost any internal challenge.
While it may be true that being used rather than being seen for who one is can be harmful and damaging, it is not on the same scale as the suffering endured by many others who face severe emotional threats, endure the worst from their families or societies, or lack the privileges that contribute to the development of narcissism.
While it might seem counterintuitive, one could argue that individuals with NPD are relatively fortunate among those with personality disorders. Narcissists, unlike those with other personality disorders, are often motivated by a strong desire to stand out and seek approval, often aiming to make their parents proud."They become detached not out of fear but because they are fixated on becoming the best, even if it means stepping on others to advance. Their constant quest for recognition, though it might appear admirable to some, often keeps them from finding true inner peace.
People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) may also say they were afraid of letting others down. It is undeniable that people with NPD suffer deeply and face significant challenges during their upbringing. Not being seen is a profoundly damaging experience, and the need to conform to extreme standards to gain approval is arduous. However, NPD is not a life sentence. When individuals with NPD acknowledge their pain and are willing to embrace vulnerability, they can begin to heal. Emotional pain is not a weakness; it's simply a part of being human.