Becoming a parent is challenging, and it's a topic that often goes undiscussed. Recently, a young mother and a student at my psychology institute shared her thoughts on the transition to parenthood. She has a 4-month-old baby and had just read an article about "matrescence." This term was new to me, but it immediately resonated. Finally, a word to describe the developmental stage women go through when they become mothers!
A Significant Change
This transition is unparalleled, yet it's rarely talked about. Shifting from being an individual who can act on her own whims and is responsible mainly for herself, to being completely responsible for a new, vulnerable human, is a monumental change. It can be shocking. Suddenly, everything changes. Independence and autonomy vanish! Now, the baby's needs must always be prioritized. When the baby needs to eat, sleep, be comforted, or cuddled, these needs come first before the mother can decide to do anything else. Life becomes less orderly and much more chaotic.
This is especially true for women who worked and had control over their schedules outside of work. Staying home and focusing on a baby's needs can feel like an enormous change in every aspect of her life her schedule, priorities, freedom, and, most significantly, her identity.
I recall a new mother telling me, "No one told me how hard this would be!" She wasn't just talking about taking care of her baby. She was referring to so many things. She envied her partner, who got to go to work every day, take a half-hour for lunch, and use the bathroom alone. She went from working almost all day to being at home all day and felt confined. She loved her new baby but also felt overwhelmed by his constant needs. She felt she didn't get a moment to herself. Her partner worked long hours, and for those first few months, she felt very alone and isolated. She had friends but felt she didn't have time to reach out to them. At another point, she told me, "The responsibility for keeping my baby alive is all on me." She felt the weight of this, and it was unlike anything she had felt before. She also experienced a deep and unique bond with her baby, unlike anything she had ever felt before.
Redefining Identity
For each new mother and every new parent, what feels difficult may differ, but for all new parents, especially first-time parents, the transition to parenthood is immense. Every parent must adjust to who they are now that they are not just an individual or part of a couple but are responsible for caring for someone else who is completely dependent on them. They must redefine who they are.
This change in identity is often taken for granted. However, it shouldn't be. It's difficult and comes with mixed feelings and, sometimes, significant struggle. Another post on Psychology Today compares matrescence to adolescence, another life stage that can be tumultuous.
Every developmental stage in human life comes with conflict. First-time mothers may love their new role but can also hate it. They may hate staying home because the baby is sleeping when they would rather be out on a walk or having coffee with a friend. They might not enjoy the long days and the absence of adult company. They may resent the total dependency of the baby or the endless routine of feeding, burping, diapering, and soothing. They can feel tired, overwhelmed, and resentful. They can miss work and the sense of purpose it brings. Deeper conflicts can arise, including feelings about how they were parented themselves or how they feel about bodily functions, time management, productivity, autonomy, and responsibility. And all of this is entirely normal.
We need to recognize the significance and difficulty of the transition from non-parent to parent. This is a life change that resonates with past and future identities, goals, routines, and ways of being. It is transformative. The role of a parent adds new dimensions to one's existing identity and to one's range of feelings and abilities, but it is often a struggle to adapt to the new role and all that it entails.
Some mothers are "on the brink." It is simply too much, especially for single mothers, mothers with unstable financial situations, mothers in difficult relationships, and mothers who have to manage working from home and childcare simultaneously. Maternal stress levels can be overwhelming and seem endless and frustrating at the same time. Many people are visiting local parks to scream as loudly as they can. One mother shared, "I feel like a ticking time bomb... but I can't calm down." Another said, "Some days are so hectic that they feel like a blur. It's like I just went through 24 hours without remembering any of it because I was constantly on the move."
It is hard to focus on a new baby when there are so many worries. However, focusing on the baby is required. Some parents find it a relief to focus on their baby. Some are grateful that there is little for them to fear missing out on while caring for their infant during this time since so little else is happening. There are fewer distractions from the baby and more time to get to know them, and after all, that is the job of the new parent to learn about the baby and understand their new role as parents.
It is time to start taking this transition more seriously and to begin supporting new mothers more fully.