Love bombing happens when someone overwhelms another person with too much praise and affection too soon in a relationship, aiming to control and rush them into commitment.
A study of 484 young adults found that those who love bomb often have low self-esteem, narcissistic traits, or insecure attachment styles.
Since love bombing happens quickly and is designed to make you fall for the other person rapidly, you might already be emotionally invested when you realize something is wrong. Love bombers with insincere intentions and narcissistic traits usually follow a pattern of behavior that unfolds in the following three stages:
1. Idealization Stage
During the first stage of love bombing, the person pursuing you goes all out to gain your trust and affection. This stage progresses rapidly and typically includes:
Grand Romantic Gestures
In the idealization stage, love bombers often display extravagant shows of affection, such as taking you on luxurious trips or giving you expensive gifts. If these grand gestures occur early on and don't match the current stage of your relationship, they likely indicate an attempt to accelerate the process of creating a bond with you.
Future Promises
Future promises involve discussing plans like travel, meeting family members, moving in together, or getting married within the first few weeks of dating. It can create a false sense of security because you haven't yet seen if the person's words align with their actions.
Excessive Compliments or Affection
When someone is love bombing, they aim to speed up the relationship so their target becomes emotionally invested. During this stage, a love bomber might say things like:
- "You are the most amazing person I've ever met."
- "You're unique and unmatched.""
- I've never experienced these feelings for anyone else."
If you hear statements like these within the first few weeks of meeting someone, be cautious. These statements might indicate they are trying to rush your connection prematurely.
Expectation of Constant Contact or Frequent Meetings
Frequent communication is often expected during the initial stage of a relationship. A love bomber wants to secure you and become exclusive quickly, so they may overwhelm you with frequent messages, calls, or time spent together. This often leaves little room for anything else in your life.
This tactic has two primary benefits for the love bomber: first, it secures an emotional bond with you quickly, and second, it isolates you so that if others express concern about your relationship, it will be harder for you to end it since you are already deeply invested.
2. Devaluation Stage
During the initial phase of love bombing, the relationship moves fast, and attachment tends to form quickly. Once the love bomber knows you are invested in the relationship, the mask starts to slip, and the devaluation stage begins as they start to exhibit "hot and cold" behavior. This is also the stage when you might begin to notice that your partner's actions aren't aligning with their words.
Criticism and Put-Downs
Love bombers will initially idolize you while trying to create the illusion of closeness quickly. However, once they know you are fully invested in the relationship, that's when their true nature will start to show. When the switch is flipped, they begin to criticize and demean their partner, aiming to erode their self-esteem over time so that they are fully in control. Suddenly, you may feel as though nothing you do is enough, positioning you to try to win back their approval and validation.
This is when the love bomber starts withdrawing their affection and breadcrumbing their partner. You may feel like one moment you're experiencing an incredible relationship high, and the next, you're miserable. In this stage, the love bomber often oscillates between being affectionate and cold. Seemingly trivial things appear to trigger your partner, resulting in them withdrawing their love and affection as a way to punish you without warning. You are being conditioned in this stage to fight for their affection and work hard to earn their approval so that the relationship can feel like it did at the beginning during the idealization stage.
Manipulation
At this stage, any problems in the relationship are usually blamed entirely on you. Consequently, you may start second-guessing yourself a lot during this stage, as it often includes various types of psychological manipulation (e.g., gaslighting, silent treatment, and guilt-tripping) to break down your self-esteem, keep you compliant, and maintain control.
3. Discard Stage
The discard stage happens once the love bomber either abruptly ends the relationship or starts to distance themselves from their partner. This stage includes:
Your Partner Appears Distant or Detached
They seem very cold and indifferent. They also appear not to care about your feelings and how their actions impact you.
Your Partner Takes No Accountability
They rarely take responsibility (unless used as a manipulation tactic), even when faced with evidence of their wrongdoings, and will use you as a scapegoat for the downfall of the relationship.
They quickly move to the next person
When a love bomber reaches the discard stage, they believe the relationship is no longer useful to them. They quickly move on to the next person, usually restarting the same cycle all over again with them. The discard often feels cold and detached and is handled with little regard for the other person.