How parents and social support help the transition in early adulthood. Support from real friendships is crucial at any age, but it can be especially impactful when young adults first leave home. This phase, known as "early adulthood," encompasses ages 18-25. Unlike a cake that transforms into a fluffy dessert within a set time, reaching a certain age does not guarantee that a young adult has developed the skills needed to build social support and other essential life skills.
Part of the challenge young adults face when leaving home is making decisions about their daily lives for the first time after living with parents who set the rules and provided structure.
The other part of the challenge is that parents and young adults must form a new relationship with each other.
Ideally, parents take on the role of a supportive life coach rather than an active coach who makes decisions. Supportive life coach parents are present on the sidelines, providing presence, structure, consistency, positive regard, validation, support, and low conflict.
Low conflict cannot be emphasized enough, as researchers (Wilson et al., 2023) found that less-stressed parent-young adult relationships led young adults to adjust better by having a reduced tendency to internalize and externalize problems.
Internalizing is avoiding the harmful reactions that lead to negative self-blame ("It's all my fault." "If only I were XYZ, everything would be fine." "I'm a failure and not worthy of ABC.")
Externalizing tends to project blame on everything in the environment or onto others. ("I would be okay if my teacher or boss didn't have it out for me." "The way they do things here is terrible.")
And then there's a mix of both externalizing and internalizing. Others seem to succeed more than I do because they fit into the unfair system, and I don't, so I feel like giving up.
Wilson et al.'s (2023) research revealed interesting differences in the findings between fathers and mothers regarding their sons and daughters. Strong father relationships resulted in reduced externalizing among sons while healthy mother-child relationships led to reduced internalizing in daughters and reduced externalizing in both sons and daughters.
Additionally, woven into Wilson et al.'s (2023) research was the importance of empathy, where they explain cognitive empathy as the ability to recognize another person's feelings, known as perspective-taking. Affective empathy is the ability to respond to the person after understanding what they are feeling. Furthermore, empathic concern allows a person to walk in someone else's shoes and gain a richer and deeper understanding of others' real and potential experiences.
Naturally, better parenting can lead to increased empathy and prosocial behaviors, which in turn can lead to developing more positive friendships and social support, aiding in the transition, improved mental health, and overall well-being.
So what happens if your relationship with your family or caregivers has been fraught with conflict? Maybe you didn't have a mother or a father, and reading research like this feels discouraging. And possibly unfair.
Are you doomed? Absolutely not.
Some of the most empathetic and supportive people I have known came from difficult and even traumatic backgrounds. They found mentors, teachers, coaches, friends, and other role models who taught them empathy, wisdom, patience, compassion, love, and resilience.
What research like this offers is a guiding light to being our best and most compassionate selves. It's a reminder that you can inspire and be a role model for others.
If you are a parent of a young adult who is having some struggles, a family systems therapist can be a great resource as it is never too late to repair and learn new relationship skills. As Salvador Minuchin stated, "The family, as society's smallest unit, has the unique ability to change while maintaining stability, ensuring children grow up well-adjusted and adaptable."