You don’t want to fight, or even if you do, whether it is with a friend or your partner, you want to resolve it without it taking a significant toll. Here are four important steps to master to help you avoid fighting, and they don’t require a major personality change, just a bit of self-control.
1. If your partner or friend has accused you of being defensive, or if you recognize that about yourself, make an effort to agree in principle with what has been said. Don’t do this as a diversion tactic; do it sincerely. If someone calls you selfish, agree by saying something like, “Yes, I can be selfish sometimes.” Arguing about whether you were selfish in that particular moment will likely lead to a pointless conflict, but agreeing that you are occasionally selfish (which is likely true) will help you avoid a confrontational battle.
2. Since not being defensive is important, here is another approach to consider: Practice being receptive. When you are receptive, you are aware of your feelings but don’t let them control you. This is very empowering; it involves being open to views that conflict with yours. In talking to your partner or friend, for instance, instead of arguing harshly or explaining yourself immediately, you could simply listen carefully without interrupting (interrupting is a clear sign that you are being defensive) and say something like, “I understand what you are saying, your view is valid, but I see it differently.” Or, instead of reacting emotionally, you could say, "I have a different perspective. Let me consider it for a moment, and we can discuss it afterward."
3. Remember that every issue is a relationship between two people. For example, there can be no dominant partner without a compliant partner, no interrupting friend without a passive and willing friend. Every conflict involves both a "villain" and a "victim." To resolve issues effectively, acknowledge your part in the problem instead of blaming your partner. Focusing on your own actions first can help promote resolution. As Daniel Goleman notes in Emotional Intelligence, “At American Express, the ability to sense potential sources of conflict, take responsibility for one’s own role, apologize if necessary, and engage directly in a discussion of each person’s perspective is valued in their financial advisors.”
4. Review the themes of your conflicts. When things are calm, talk with your partner about the main issue behind most of your arguments? Think about this until you find some common ground because, truth be told, there is almost always a connection. Most of us have one theme underlying all the fights throughout our relationships that plays out with countless variations. Figure out the theme and you’ll have a handle on all your fights. For example, you and a close partner may have what seems to be a host of unrelated arguments when in fact all involve one person trying to exert control over the other, or one person needing to feel supported.