Parenting is a challenging task. But what happens when the roles reverse and you find yourself caring for your aging mother or father? While we love our parents, feelings of frustration, anger, guilt, and helplessness can arise, especially as their physical or mental abilities decline.
These emotions, combined with old psychological burdens and potential triggers in your interactions, can create a storm of feelings. In fact, the adult child (especially daughters) may also experience a sense of loss: the recognition of their parent's mortality and the inevitable loss, as well as the feeling of losing their own youth.
Challenges and Fears of the Aging Parent
An elderly parent, especially one who has lost a spouse or is divorced, can sometimes be very challenging for their adult children. In addition to logistical and medical issues, there may be memory loss and potential substance abuse problems, such as alcohol or prescription medications, further impacting memory and overall functioning.
Seniors may be dealing with their own fears – fears of declining health and accidents, bereavement and living alone, loss of independence, crime, and possibly the looming prospect of an assisted living situation. Empathy and respect for what the elderly person is currently experiencing is a crucial part of the process.
The Adult Children of an Aging Parent
But what about the adult child and close relatives of the aging individual? How do they effectively cope with the aging parent? While there are medical devices to alert family members of emergencies and falls, as well as various levels of assisted living care facilities available when functioning is significantly reduced, there is more to the situation than logistical issues. Additionally, the elderly person may be in a certain amount of denial about their physical or mental decline and reluctant to use medical alert devices or an assisted living option.
Whether the parent lives with you or you are a thousand miles away, it is essential that the caregiver has their own support system, whether it's family and friends, more formal support programs, or both. When the aging parent doesn't live with the adult child, adult children often carry the emotional burden in other ways, including stress, guilt for not being with the parent all the time, and perhaps a feeling of loss of control over not being able to help the parent as much as they'd like.
Adult children of an aging parent likely have busy and full lives of their own, yet they may feel responsible (at least in part) for the well-being of the elderly parent. While the saying "It takes a village" refers to raising a child, it's also an apt phrase in the case of an elderly person with diminished functioning.
Support and Assistance Are Crucial in Caring for an Aging Parent
Enlisting the help of relatives and friends of the elderly parent is a crucial step in maintaining one's peace of mind and reducing the stress of the situation. One family member cannot take on the entire responsibility without experiencing complete stress overload. When one family member is carrying most of the load, there should at least be others to support them over the years. Extra help can be found at the senior's church or worship place, local senior center, and city senior aid programs.
The Dependence vs. Independence Spectrum
Senior citizens may exist at one end or the other of the dependence vs. independence spectrum. Many elderly people will not acknowledge their declining physical or mental health and refuse necessary assistance. Conversely, some seniors will be on the opposite end existing in a mode of being taken care of by their children and others. Neither extreme being too independent or too dependent is entirely healthy, except in cases of severe physical or mental impairment. In cases of severe impairment (physical or mental decline), it may be time to look into assisted living facilities, which the aging person may or may not want to pursue.
In any case, an ongoing challenge (and emotional lifesaver) for the adult child and relatives of the aging parent will be maintaining healthy boundaries: the ability to release and let go of the situation at times rather than focusing all of their energy on the senior. It's a bit of a delicate balance between helping, setting strong boundaries, and to some extent letting go at times.
Don't Try to Do It Alone!
Most importantly, don't try to do it alone. Reach out to supportive friends and family, a support group, and possibly a counselor. Equally important is building a network of friends and relatives for the aging person; while we love our parents, no one can bear the burden alone.