We've all heard that intimacy is vital for the health of most long-term romantic relationships. But what exactly is it, and how can we nurture more of it?
Researchers have found that when it comes to intimacy, it involves two core elements: self-disclosure and empathy. Partners need to feel comfortable enough with each other to handle the vulnerability that comes with being open about their desires, needs, and dreams. They must also trust that their partner will respond with openness and empathy, rather than judgment or rejection.
This dynamic of sharing, listening, and responding with empathy creates a safe environment that encourages exploration and a willingness to engage, despite the risk of failure. Intimacy in this context allows partners to relax, be present, and fully engage in their shared experiences.
Although many people associate intimacy with physical closeness, there are actually several types of intimacy that offer similar opportunities for openness, vulnerability, and connection. Fortunately, all these types are interconnected; fostering intimacy in one area of your relationship makes it easier to build intimacy in others.
Here are seven types of intimacy that can be cultivated in any long-term romantic relationship:
1. Physical Intimacy: Research shows that affectionate touch can effectively convey positive feelings toward a partner. While sexual activity is important, physical intimacy isn't limited to what happens in the bedroom. It includes various forms of non-sexual touch, such as cuddling, hugging, kissing, and even just sitting close to each other on the couch. When couples only engage in physical affection before or during sex, they risk turning the experience into something that feels transactional and devoid of joy.
2. Emotional Intimacy: Being a great listener can be very attractive for many reasons. Discussing your feelings and then listening and responding to your partner's emotions helps both partners feel safe sharing important aspects of themselves that aren't shared with everyone. This effect was demonstrated in a well-known study where researchers caused strangers in a lab to develop romantic feelings for each other simply by having them gaze into each other's eyes and ask increasingly deep and personal questions. The study showed that romantic attraction blooms when people take turns revealing their inner emotional worlds and listening to each other.
3. Intellectual Intimacy: Engaging in meaningful conversations where emotions are shared and ideas and beliefs are exchanged fosters intimacy by building appreciation and admiration. When partners listen to and value each other's perspectives on topics like current events, books, or causes they feel strongly about, it creates a sense of being valued and special, which fosters trust. Some people's romantic feelings for a person can be influenced by the quality of these conversations, a concept known as being sapiosexual.
4. Spiritual Intimacy: This type of intimacy might include a connection experienced through shared faith, but it doesn't necessarily depend on being religious. Spiritual intimacy involves feeling comfortable and secure when discussing your shared beliefs and values. It also includes your sense of closeness to each other over similar life goals, such as how you plan to raise children or what you consider important in a career.
5. Aesthetic Intimacy: If you've ever felt more connected to a partner after enjoying a beautiful view, savoring a delicious meal, admiring a stunning piece of art, or bonding over a mutually loved book, you've experienced aesthetic intimacy. When our partner appreciates and values what we do, it helps us feel understood and similar.
6. Humor: When someone laughs at our jokes or finds the same things funny, it makes us feel like we see the world similarly, including its absurdities. This doesn't mean you need to laugh at every moment to enjoy a connection. However, when partners share a similar sense of humor, it becomes a common language that brings them closer together.
7. Future-oriented Intimacy: When couples talk and dream about their future together, it signals a sense of commitment and shared vision for what's to come. These conversations can range from planning an upcoming event to envisioning long-term goals like buying a house or having children. Future-oriented intimacy is powerful enough that it can be used manipulatively, such as when one partner pretends to be more excited about the future than they actually are—a phenomenon sometimes referred to as "future faking."
There are many ways to build intimacy in a relationship, all of which encourage creating an environment where partners feel safe enough to embrace the vulnerability of intimacy and authenticity. Relationships can show different levels of intimacy, and that's completely normal and healthy. A good strategy for strengthening your relationship might be to identify the areas of intimacy where you're not as strong and work on fostering more intimacy in those areas.