Many couples who seek therapy are at a breaking point. Problems and resentments have been building for a long time. The partner feeling most distressed often has a list of grievances and a sense of exhaustion, saying either, "This is our last chance to fix this," or "I'm done and one partner may want to separate or divorce, while the other is often surprised by the anger and complaints: "Why are you bringing up things from years ago, like Christmas 2015, now?"
It's a good question why now and not earlier? The breaking point usually comes after years of frustration, avoidance, and suppressed feelings. Here are the seven stages that often lead to this crucial moment:
1. You Notice Problems.
Early in the relationship, you notice certain issues. Henry is often late and disorganized; Sarah struggles to follow through on her commitments; Wilson drinks heavily on weekends and can be unpredictable. You bring it up, and they apologize, attributing it to stress. Or you say nothing, dismissing it as a misunderstanding.
2. You Engage in Wishful Thinking.
You move in together or get married, but the issues persist: Henry's lateness and disorganization are not only annoying but stressful; Sarah's inconsistency makes you feel she's unreliable or indifferent; Wilson's drinking makes you anxious. Here, wishful thinking takes hold if you can just handle things the right way, be more patient, help them manage stress, they'll change and stop these behaviors.
3. You Shift Your Focus.
When this doesn't work, you switch to focusing on other areas of your life, like children or work. The connection between you weakens; you feel more like roommates or, worse, stop being a couple altogether and just become co-parents. This often coincides with the so-called seven-year itch.
4. You Have Changed.
Time passes, and you realize how different you've become. You're exhausted from settling for less, feeling isolated, and not getting what you want. Your larger life changes children grow up and become more independent, or leave home. You realize time is running out.
5. The Relationship Must Change.
The relationship is on the brink; it's dying. You're both going through the motions; whatever kept you together no longer works. You've reached an emotional breaking point. You fantasize about a new partner, a new life. You're unsure if therapy can help or if you even want to try. Building resentment and unresolved issues have taken a toll, though occasional moments of connection keep you uncertain.
6. Conflicts or Distance Increase.
You either live parallel lives or clash, arguing over different perspectives. You're more aware and determined that you can't continue like this. A crisis is looming.
7. You Issue an Ultimatum; You Take Action.
You look for a new place to live, discuss separation, or seek therapy as a last chance. The seemingly sudden talk of ending the relationship shocks the other partner, prompting them to make changes. But you're skeptical and exhausted. The solution isn't a quick fix but a major overhaul. The old relationship has ended.
The Key Lesson: Prevention.
- Regularly evaluate the relationship. Ask yourself: How are we really doing? Are we feeling connected? Do we share common interests and intimacy?
- Regularly reflect on your own needs. What do you need most right now? What needs to change in your daily life and relationship to feel more fulfilled and happy?
- Address the issues you've both been avoiding. Don't just complain or argue about who's right or the past; sit down and develop a mutually agreed plan to resolve problems.
- Have the courage to speak up and do all the above. Stop justifying, engaging in wishful thinking, avoiding, and procrastinating.
This long, deteriorating process is common and understandable, but it doesn't have to end this way.
Ready to make a change? If not now, when?