The essence of narcissism isn't just about superiority. When preparing to write this post, my goal was to highlight how narcissistic personality is largely misunderstood by the public. Most people I talk to about narcissism tend to associate it with a sense of superiority, thinking that narcissists have an inflated ego. While an outward display of superiority is definitely part of the narcissistic personality, a sense of superiority (or striving for it) is not the core element of the disorder. The root of the disorder is actually a strong resistance to feeling vulnerable to anyone at any time.
Here's a simple explanation of how it works: A narcissist doesn't trust others in close relationships. Because the narcissist doesn't trust others, they won't put themselves in a position where they feel vulnerable. Despite the outward display of arrogance and superiority, the narcissist actually lives in a state of anxiety and hypervigilance.
Think about it: People can't feel great about themselves all the time, but narcissists desperately try to. The narcissist fears that acknowledging any weakness will give someone else the chance to exploit or control them. To maintain the façade and ward off any feelings of vulnerability or weakness, they learn to overcompensate by acting stronger and more powerful than they feel. Again, the core of the personality disorder relates back to vulnerability. The superiority aspect of the personality is secondary; the aversion to vulnerability is primary.
Since vulnerability is so central to narcissistic personality, my original goal had been to suggest that renaming narcissistic personality disorder would help make this complicated and confusing behavioral condition clearer to the public. If narcissistic personality disorder were renamed to capture the aversion to vulnerability, it could help ordinary people identify this personality type in individuals in their own lives; education could help save people unnecessary distress in relationships with individuals who have a narcissistic personality. The name that I believe captures the central elements best is "Vulnerability-Avoidant/Superiority-Seeking Personality Disorder." True, the term is packed with words, but so is "Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder" (ADHD). Even though the name contains psychological language, at least it clearly explains to the public what the disorder is. What does the term "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" explain? Very little. Is the public expected to refer back to an ancient myth of Narcissus stuck looking at himself in a reflective pool to grasp it?
However, my goal changed when I started to think about one particular group of narcissists that breaks with the usual pattern. People sometimes say that narcissists don't go to therapy because they don't want a therapist to see or expose their flaws. It's not true, though, that narcissists don't seek out therapy. Many narcissistic individuals do. Why? Because someone or something in their lives has hurt their ego and damaged their self-image. Someone or something has made them feel that maybe they are not perfect, or maybe they need someone to fix them so they can feel better about themselves. In short, narcissists who seek out therapy aren't true or complete narcissists. Such individuals wouldn't necessarily meet the criteria needed for a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but they may have some key narcissistic traits.
The point is that seeking help from a psychotherapist requires a willingness to be vulnerable, so true narcissists couldn't go to therapy because they couldn't handle the anxiety, discomfort, and even anger that would come up if they were to reveal their true selves to a therapist. Essentially, true narcissists have no interest in self-reflection or personal growth. Their main rule: Always stay alert.
The fact that some narcissistic individuals seek therapy and others don’t is a reminder that all disorders exist on a spectrum, and most people who have problematic behavior or a disordered personality may have some traits of a given disorder without meeting the full set of criteria.
Understanding narcissism can be easier by reading more about it. I encourage my clients to learn about narcissistic personality, but professionals should keep reading too, to ensure the best possible understanding of the subject. My hope is that people come to a better understanding of how the superiority displayed by narcissists is actually a mask a psychological defense hiding the underlying root of the issue: The narcissist cannot tolerate being vulnerable. Once you understand that, you can ask yourself an important question: What kind of relationship can I have with someone who cannot be vulnerable with me?