Recently, Kanye West has proclaimed that he is "God's vessel," too busy making history to notice, and the voice of his generation. He also laments that his greatest frustration is not being able to watch himself perform live.
Much like his recent spouse ("The most beautiful woman... in human history."), Kanye clearly understands one thing: in the quest for the limelight, narcissism sells. However, the self-obsession we accept and support in those who find their way to fame is much harder to deal with when it infiltrates our personal lives.
Choose a public-facing career, and narcissists are likely to flock to its highest levels.
Kurt Cobain once said, "I don't care what you think unless it's about me." Madonna claimed she cleansed radiation from a Ukrainian lake. Lindsay Lohan declared, "Beauty, grace, and confidence. I've learned to accept and appreciate what nature gave me." From Clinton to Spitzer to Petraeus to Weiner, these public figures share a bond in their belief that rules are inconveniences endured by those who wash their own cars.
Celebrity narcissism is captivating. But the great thing about it is that we control the remote. When we've had enough, we can simply move on to another distraction. In our personal lives, however, the closer the narcissist is, the harder it is to escape their influence.
According to Dr. Drew Pinsky, celebrity narcissism is contagious. In his 2009 book, *The Mirror Effect: How Celebrity Narcissism is Seducing America*, he and co-author Dr. Mark Young argue that the excesses of celebrities, punctuated by public downfalls, are not only attention grabbing but also infectious. Fueled by social media and reality TV, vanity, exhibitionism, and entitlement are spreading to the general population.
If celebrity self-obsession is the societal virus they describe, it has a large and willing host.
Few of us have gone through life unaffected by the narcissists around us parents, friends, coworkers. Even ourselves. If you're curious, you can find various versions of the Narcissistic Personality Inventory online. (Before you take it, heed the clear warnings that the results are not inherently good or bad, an indicator of personal value, or a reason to rush to a therapist.)
So, a narcissist is part of our lives. What of it? What's wrong with self-esteem? In fact, a little self-importance can be a useful quality in anyone who thinks they are fit to lead.
There is a fundamental difference between high self-esteem and narcissism. Those with high self-esteem use their confidence as a tool to build relationships. True narcissists couldn’t care less. They don't want relationships; they want an audience.
Psychologists quickly point out that true narcissists distort the social circles around them. Cornered by a narcissist at a party, you can wait for them to take a breath, make an excuse, and make a run for it. When the narcissist is in the family or at work they are more dangerous.
Narcissistic parents are positioned to cause the worst psychological damage. Children throw themselves against the rocks, trying to please a parent who can belittle the achievements of others even their own offspring.
A good friend, a high school baseball player, had a mother who epitomizes a narcissistic parent. "In any situation," he said, "if it wasn’t about her, she would find a way to make it about her. Whenever I pitched, she would say she was too nervous to watch, even though I wasn't aiming for a pro career. So she would go to the car, and my brother would have to come out every inning to tell her the score. Whether I pitched well didn’t matter. Whether we won or lost didn’t matter. Creating a barrier between her and the rest of our family didn’t matter. What mattered all that mattered was that attention shifted from the field to our car."
From a young age, that kind of selfish indifference plants doubts: Why am I not enough? Why am I not lovable? What does it take? The sad irony here is that those doubts can be the building blocks of a future narcissist.
Narcissists can also be particularly disruptive in the workplace.
The dynamics are similar to those in the family. They will be the center of office attention, regardless of the damage done to get there. Workplace narcissists can be engaging, confident, and creative. They can even be motivating, as employees strive to achieve recognition that never comes. They can also be managers from hell: easily angered, suspicious, isolated, controlling, and unwilling to listen to ideas that are not their own. They can be emotional vampires, feeding on the chaos they create.
Celebrity narcissism is under our control. It's entertainment we can consume or skip. In our personal lives, it takes awareness and adaptation.
First, we need to recognize when self-obsession crosses the line from a healthy self-image that can rally others to a fixation that relegates others to the cheering section. Understand that, for a narcissist, you are part of a plan, and your value depends on their ability to make you play a supporting role. As a family member, maintain perspective don't base your self-worth on their approval. Your inability to satisfy them isn’t about you. Trying harder probably won’t help but they will enjoy watching your efforts. At work, if you need to participate, make sure you do it effectively. In any request, be clear that neither the benefit nor the potential attention is about you. Hard to believe, perhaps, but effective. Narcissists are notoriously susceptible to flattery of their own self-image.
Can a narcissist change? It's possible. But when a person is convinced they are the center of the universe, it leaves little room for perspective.