Identify harmful self-absorption from normal selfishness. Self-centeredness could be a subconscious defense mechanism. Early in your life, there might have been instances when you felt powerless and small, possibly due to a parental figure. To shield yourself from that feeling, you might have unconsciously identified with the aggressor someone you perceived as dominant, strong, and invulnerable. Without realizing, you might have internalized those traits.
Alternatively, you might have been someone who felt insignificant and vulnerable in situations unrelated to your parental figure. To cope, you might have identified with a strong, resilient hero figure, like Superman or Wonder Woman.
While both of these early unconscious identifications might have provided relief, understanding their impact is crucial in assessing your level of self-absorption. In the first scenario, you may be someone who inherently believes in dominating and controlling loved ones to protect yourself, possibly reflecting a pathological form of selfishness.
In the second case, you might be someone who, while growing up, realized they weren't the strongest, boldest, smartest, or most attractive person in the room, which was humbling but motivating. Despite the initial hurt, it was a grounding experience that spurred personal growth and striving to be the best version of oneself. You may indeed have drive and something to prove.
Evaluating whether childhood self-centered defense mechanisms hardened into rigid traits or evolved into adaptable ones is helpful. Comparing toxic self-centeredness with generally healthy selfishness in three ways can provide clarity.
1. Public image versus personal relationships
Most people understand the importance of being perceived as kind and pleasant. However, someone known as a "good person" in public might treat strangers better than their own family. Their self-centered defenses prevent them from being truly vulnerable and empathetic in personal relationships. Instead of empathizing, they may lecture and correct. Instead of understanding, they position themselves as the savior and problem-solver. Rather than resonating with a loved one's feelings, they may shame them for having emotions that don't align with their own. Unfortunately, these unconscious defense mechanisms that protected their ego in childhood may hinder genuine closeness in adulthood. Their need for covert control instead of true intimacy in relationships may indicate pathological selfishness.
Healthy selfishness is demonstrated when someone desires acceptance and admiration from those around them but refrains from treating strangers or colleagues better than their partner or children. Maintaining their public image is not a top priority and often takes a backseat when a loved one needs support. Their ego is in check, and while they aim to present their best self, it rarely supersedes their personal attunement and commitment to loved ones.
2. Victim mentality versus vulnerability
Someone who repeatedly claims victimhood when confronted about relationship issues might adopt a victim mentality. Instead of genuinely considering your perspective to better understand the situation, they quickly accuse you of attacking them. They might say things such as, 'I can't believe you're speaking to me this way,' or 'Who do you think you are?' This defensive response immediately shifts blame to you instead of dealing with the actual problem.
A less selfish approach involves initial defensiveness followed by a willingness to consider a loved one's viewpoint and introspect. This person quickly sheds their defenses and engages in meaningful dialogue, often taking ownership of their mistakes or selfish moments.
3. Unawareness of flaws versus a realistic awareness of weaknesses
Someone who is oblivious to how their actions affect others may exhibit selfish behavior. They prioritize their own comfort without considering the impact on loved ones. Often, they are unaware of their insecurities and struggle to articulate specific vulnerabilities, resorting instead to vague statements like, "I have trust issues, so I need to know where you are at all times." This indicates severe selfishness because they avoid confronting aspects of themselves that are unpleasant or negative. This lack of self-awareness prevents genuine self-understanding and discomfort tolerance.
Conversely, being acutely aware of personal flaws, such as organizational skills or self-esteem issues, allows for honesty, accountability, and constructive self-improvement in relationships. While it may seem self-centered to focus on personal growth, this healthy form of self-awareness promotes positive change.
Understanding selfishness as a defense mechanism can help gauge your level of narcissism. Defense mechanisms are natural and necessary, but when they become rigid, they can be maladaptive. A moderate level of selfishness is normal, especially when validated by the world in ways that parents may have neglected. Therefore, if you prioritize personal relationships over public image, avoid playing the victim to evade responsibility in relationships, and have a clear understanding of your vulnerabilities, you are likely on a healthy path.