A strong marriage doesn't guarantee fidelity. Sometimes, the root cause of infidelity in healthy relationships is low self-esteem.
Infidelity, a prevalent act throughout the history of marriage, remains poorly understood. We often assume that being in a "happy marriage" would protect us from infidelity. After all, issues usually arise in unstable relationships, right? While that's typically the case, I've observed some of my clients in genuinely content relationships still betray their partners. They've expressed sentiments like "It was there, plain and simple. I wasn't actively seeking it out." Or, "I felt powerless against my desires and couldn't resist." Or, "I was acting on impulse and made a huge mistake."
So, what's really going on here? How does a loving and committed partner end up being unfaithful?
There are several potential reasons why individuals in happy relationships may engage in infidelity:
1. Temptations: In today's world, increased opportunities to meet potential affair partners through work, travel, or social settings can amplify temptations. We can all relate to these explanations, especially considering the influence of our social and technological environment. Our technological advancements have made extramarital affairs more accessible, affordable, and convenient than ever before. It's readily available anytime, anywhere. The allure is strong, and the desire for instant gratification intensifies.
2. Low self-esteem: While not always the case, low self-esteem, lack of self-control, impulsiveness, and immaturity are often underlying issues in affairs within healthy relationships. For some individuals with low self-esteem, no amount of love feels sufficient. They take their partner's compliments for granted. Even if their partner reassures them daily about how valued and attractive they are, over time, these compliments become predictable and less impactful. In contrast, an affair may make them feel desired and provide a temporary ego boost. Unfortunately, this boost is short-lived, leading to even greater feelings of emptiness.
3. Expression of loss or longing: In this scenario, the affair isn't about disconnecting from their partner (as they still love and want to be with them), but rather expressing a sense of loss or longing (for excitement, freedom, passion, fantasy, etc.) things that even happy relationships may not fulfill. This affair represents the urge to rediscover and reconnect with parts of oneself that have been lost, and to incorporate them into a fuller sense of self.
4. Lack of intimacy or deep connection: Even in an otherwise happy relationship, there may be periods where partners feel emotionally distant or lack physical/sexual intimacy. When the emotional needs for affection, understanding, and feeling valued are unmet within the primary relationship, individuals may seek to fulfill those needs elsewhere. An affair may be an attempt to compensate for that intimacy deficit.
5. Boredom or seeking novelty: Over time, even happy relationships can fall into predictable routines. The initial passion and novelty fade away. For some individuals, the monotony of a long-term relationship can lead to boredom or a desire for novelty and excitement that an affair may provide. This lack of stimulating novelty makes them crave the thrill and butterflies of a new romantic encounter.
6. Addiction: While infidelity may exacerbate or be caused by substance abuse or addiction, it's also true that addiction can lead to or exacerbate infidelity. When someone is under the influence of alcohol or drugs, their judgment is impaired, leading to poor decisions.
7. Trauma or PTSD: PTSD can distort one's thinking. Unresolved past traumas or fear of intimacy may lead some individuals to engage in self-destructive behaviors. Having an affair could be a form of self-sabotage or a way to create drama to evoke the fight or flight response, which many people with PTSD seek to re-experience. The affair may serve as a means to push everyone away and isolate oneself. It could also serve as a distraction from personal pain or a way to seek something from the other partner—not sex, but validation, empathy, and comfort.
8. Conflicting desires: As humans, we embody conflicting desires with varying needs pulling us in different directions. Our minds are complex, harboring numerous layers and aspects that crave different things. The intricate interplay of our desires leads to conflicting needs. Therefore, it's not uncommon to find ourselves torn between our hearts and minds, between who we are and who we want to be, between our values and behaviors, between our short-term needs and long-term goals, between stability and novelty, between marital commitment and personal freedom.
Understanding Yourself: Reflecting on your thoughts, feelings, and desires before an issue arises can help navigate such challenges. It may also prevent the affair from occurring in the first place. To make things clearer for yourself, try asking questions like:
- Do you struggle with intimacy?
- Are you trying to suppress or deny your desires, thoughts, or needs?
- What are your sexual fantasies?
- Are you afraid to empathize with your frustrations or desires with your partner?
- Do you feel like you're losing yourself or experiencing inner conflict?
- Were you enticed by the idea of having an affair?
- If you're considering cheating, why do you contemplate engaging in an extramarital affair? What are your motives for desiring an affair? What does it signify to you?
Whatever the underlying reasons, taking time to reflect and seek answers, preferably before causing further harm, is beneficial for yourself and everyone involved. Consider journaling or therapy. Hopefully, these avenues will also aid in your healing and personal growth, making you a better individual and partner.
Conclusion: Not enough attention is given to the motivations and implications of affairs, especially in happy relationships. Infidelities are complex, and desires run deep. Paradoxically, cheating teaches us about relationships our expectations, desires, and entitlements. It unveils our personal and societal beliefs about love, desire, sex, and commitment beliefs that have evolved significantly over the past century.