Authenticity isn’t discovered in isolation but through relationships. Why do so many people struggle with authenticity, and how does this connect to complicated family dynamics or a less-than-ideal childhood?
Many people feel disconnected from their inner selves and aren’t always sure why. Some of us never had a clear sense of self, while others feel like we lost ourselves along the way.
Wherever you are, know that it’s possible to regain a sense of authenticity in life, even if it’s not what you originally expected. Authenticity isn’t found in isolation. Instead, it’s developed through relationships, with others and with ourselves.
Attachment Theory
Our sense of authenticity is directly linked to our primary attachment experiences in life. The loss of authenticity can happen early, even if we have no conscious memories of these experiences.
John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, the founders of attachment theory, recognized that within each of us there is an attachment system that promotes our survival by helping us maintain connection and closeness to our primary caregivers.
We are naturally drawn to another’s body our attachment figure to be cared for, and it is through this figure that we can explore the world and have new experiences. How could infants survive if they didn’t stay close to their parents? Unlike zebras that can run shortly after birth, we need support. We evolved to be connected to others, and security adaptations have been selected for.
Attachment throughout life allows us to connect with others, seek protection, and find comfort through our relationships in what can be an overwhelmingly frightening and hostile world. The attachment system shows how our lives revolve around others, and attachment is a lifelong human need that never goes away.
Extensive research has confirmed that our neurobiological development and brain organization depend on having a balanced and loving caregiver. Early social and emotional experiences directly impact our developing brains and nervous systems. Our bodies learn through patterned and repetitive experiences, and the quality of our early attachment relationships significantly affects our later mental functioning.
When we have an attachment figure that is consistently emotionally available, responsive to our needs, and engages in prosocial behaviors with us as infants, we can develop a secure attachment with our primary attachment figure. A secure attachment can support us in developing our individuality and allow us to fully express ourselves in a way that aligns with our unique developmental needs.
If our needs aren't met, we might experience attachment issues and a disruption to our self-identity and authenticity. Our early attachments unconsciously influence our adult relationships later in life, including our relationship with our authentic self.
Loss of Authenticity in Childhood
A vast number of people have learned to sacrifice their authenticity to preserve the parental and familial relationships that ensured their survival. It’s important to highlight how this is an instinctual reaction, as infants and children have no real control over whether their needs will be met. Growing up, we are merely reacting and trying to adapt to the experiences we are given.
Disconnecting from natural physical sensations like emotions or gut feelings, and suppressing our ability to be ourselves can be life-saving in neglectful or abusive families. This is because disconnection allows us to be tolerated in our family or broader social systems, and we can blend into our environment like a chameleon. The ability to stay unnoticed and adapt quickly helps us survive.
Distancing ourselves from a core sense of self can be a brilliant adaptive strategy. By only presenting the “acceptable” parts of our personality, we can develop a facade that helps us find acceptance and gain the available fragments of connection. This facade, of course, is a false self that leads to significant psychological distress and suffering in adulthood, but the facade itself was necessary.
Lack of Co-Regulation
Developing infants and children are entirely vulnerable without their primary caregivers, and it is through our attachment figures that we learn to regulate ourselves and come to know ourselves. We become aware of our inner feelings by seeing them reflected in the eyes of those we are attached to.
It is incredibly challenging to develop a sense of presence or connection for ourselves if we never truly received this from others in our early development. How do we find a willingness to explore our vast human mind if our loved ones never played with us, or how can we recognize our life's unique worth if our parents didn't show excitement when we entered a room as children?
Our attachment system and physical development are interconnected. We need predictable, trusted people who won’t hurt, neglect, or be indifferent to us as we try to develop into whole individuals. It is challenging to grow our own sense of authenticity or discover what we truly need to find expression in our life if we are raised by inconsistent, immature, and unavailable parents with limited boundaries.
Developing Authenticity
The attachment system shows how we are biologically and socially hardwired to feel safe, seen, and heard in the arms of another. Since the attachment system is dynamic and fluid, the good news is we all have an inherent ability to form secure connections with others. Authentic connection with others and ourselves in a safe and joyful manner is possible.
If we had a less-than-ideal childhood or are survivors of developmental trauma, we might need to pursue therapy to learn how to relate to past survival patterns differently. By gently addressing repeating attachment patterns, psychodynamic and attachment-oriented psychotherapists help build new self-concepts that support people in living meaningful lives.
We can develop authenticity by choosing to intentionally develop a relationship with our own inner life and by fostering new connections with others. The adaptive masks we formed in childhood demand we learn to love our inner wounded children, even if we can’t yet love the adult version of ourselves.