Many people dream of a committed relationship but end up wasting years dating the wrong people. I began to reflect on this issue after several clients experienced this problem. These were attractive and capable individuals who could successfully navigate most areas of life. They could find a job, an apartment, and friends, but they struggled to find a partner. Often, their inability to find a suitable life partner was one reason they sought therapy.
One of my female clients described her situation this way:
"I date a lot, but nothing ever works out. If I like him, he doesn't like me and vice versa. There have been many 'maybes' that eventually went nowhere. I'm getting discouraged and emotionally burned out. I want to get married, but I don't know if I can keep this up. Can you help me? What am I doing wrong?"
After hearing many versions of this story, I began to look at how these clients approached finding a mate. I noticed some common themes associated with failure:
Dating Apps Lead to Mismatches
With the rise of dating apps, many of my clients ended up on dates with people they wouldn't have gone out with if they had met them in person. There was no real chemistry, or they were mismatched in ways that didn't show up in dating profiles.
Too Broad of a Search
Many clients were not selective enough about who they agreed to go out with and were casting their net too widely because they felt desperate.
Staying Too Long in Unfulfilling Relationships
They tended to hang on to relationships that were going nowhere out of fear that they might not find anyone better or hoping that things would somehow improve.
Poor Relationship Advice
When they complained about their situation to friends or family, they received well-meaning advice that leaned towards romantic idealism "Don't worry. Love will find you suddenly" or blamed my clients "You need to be less picky."
None of this turned out to be helpful. What my clients really needed was a practical solution to help them find the right partner and rule out the wrong ones.
A Logical Approach to Dating
So, I decided to think logically about the situation. What if you could spot and avoid bad matches early in the dating process? I developed a straightforward approach to dating that greatly increased my clients' chances of finding a suitable partner. It is simple and very effective because it is based on facts and logic, not romantic notions.
Step 1: Find Someone Attracted to You and Available
Unless you live in a very isolated area and don't interact at all, there will always be a group of people who are single and find you attractive.
Advice: Ignore anyone who isn't single and who isn't attracted to you. It doesn't matter what their reasons are. Forming attachments to unavailable people is a painful and unproductive use of your time.
If you believe that no one is ever attracted to you or that you are inherently unlovable, you will likely need some psychotherapy before you can use my advice. Your lack of self-esteem will prevent you from seeing and responding appropriately to people who are attracted to you.
Step 2: Be Attracted to Them
Within the people who are attracted to you, there will be some who you find attractive too.
Advice: Pay no attention to people you are not drawn to.. It doesn't matter why you are not attracted to them. Don't waste time trying to justify being with them or fantasizing about them changing.
Step 3: Ready to Be a Partner
In the group of people you're interested in and who also like you, some are ready to choose a life partner now, while others aren't ready yet.
Advice: Only date people who show that they are ready to choose a life partner now. Do not continue dating anyone who needs to be convinced to marry you or who you hope will commit to you soon.
Step 4: Chooses You
In the group you date, there will be another smaller subgroup who will want you to be their partner.
Advice: Disregard anyone who loses interest in you after dating you. It doesn't matter what their reasons are. Save time by not attempting to alter their perspective.
Once you have followed the above steps, choose your partner from the group who chooses you.
Conclusion
Even though there are literally thousands of people you could find attractive, the only ones that matter are the ones who have the following qualities:
- They are single.
- They find you attractive.
- You find them attractive.
- They are now ready to find a life partner.
- They want you to be their partner.
The best way to find your life partner quickly is to eliminate anyone who doesn't meet the above criteria and save your romantic feelings for someone who does.