Widows can fall in love, but these relationships are often complicated. "As a widow, I highly recommend dating widows too!" — A widow
Widows can develop romantic feelings again, but the relationship often involves a complex "three hearts" dynamic, where one partner is physically absent but emotionally present.
Can a Widow Love Two People at Once?
"The hardest thing to understand was how the widow I'm dating could still love him and start to love me. "I constantly felt like I was being measured against him." - A guy
Is the human heart big enough to love more than one person? It certainly is: we can love one person and then soon after, fall for another, or even love two people simultaneously. A widow's love is more complex, given the ongoing impact of grief, even years after the loss. This is due to our tendency to idealize the past and a reluctance to speak ill of the deceased. Consequently, love for the late spouse can actually grow, challenging the strength of love for the current partner. Nevertheless, we are blessed with a large and adaptable heart that can accommodate multiple people at once.
In the popular movie *Dona Flor and Her Two Husbands*, Vadinho, Dona's husband, dies while dancing at a street carnival. Vadinho was a great lover but a terrible husband, who squandered Dona's savings. Dona meets the nice but boring pharmacist Teodoro. On the anniversary of Vadinho's death, Vadinho returns to Dona naked, claiming that she has called him to "share her bed" with him. Only Dona can see and hear Vadinho's ghost. Initially, she resists, but after Vadinho mocks Teodoro's poor performance in bed, she gives in and lives happily with both husbands.
Living With the Death of a Spouse
"Second love is different, but it's very good. I will forever love and miss my deceased husband. It's tough to grasp how I can go from crying over him to smiling and thinking about my new partner. I love them both, the one here and the one gone." — A widow
Widows can fall in love deeply, but their romantic relationships may be unique since their hearts belong to two people. A study of remarried military widows over thirty years after their first husbands' deaths by Rachel Dekel and colleagues (2022) revealed that most women maintained ongoing bonds with their deceased husbands, while few severed these ties. The second husband played a significant role, leading to varying boundaries drawn between the first and second marriages. Remarried widows who successfully maintained ongoing bonds with the deceased spouse reported a sense of well-being and positive marital relationships. Here, grief is a complex process with dynamic boundaries between relationships. Dekel and associates identify three main attitudes of current partners toward their bonds with the deceased spouse: mutual agreement to maintain the bonds, mutual agreement to cut these bonds, and disagreement about maintaining the bonds. The first attitude is the most common. Here are some notable examples of perspectives expressed by widows in their study:
- "I’m part of my late husband's family and I won’t leave them."
- "My first husband always exists in my heart and is always in the background. But he is not a barrier between us."
- "I felt that to move past the loss, I had to minimize any connection with the memory of my first husband."
- "My current husband doesn't want my ex-husband to influence our lives or be a part of our relationship." And even though it upsets me, I respect his request." (Dekel et al., 2022).
Another study examines the issues facing bereaved and non-bereaved women when they enter new relationships after a long-term one has ended. The bereaved saw themselves as having changed more, but the non-bereaved reported their changes as more positive. The growth experienced by the non-bereaved is likely less complicated, while the bereaved do experience growth, though it lags behind that of their peers (Bar-Nadav and Rubin, 2016).
Other studies show that remarriage is generally beneficial for widows. One study suggests that widows who remarried had higher household incomes and worried less about finances than those who didn’t remarry (Moorman et al., 2006). Staying active and engaged in activities that provide a sense of purpose is helpful in managing grief. Dating someone new may help individuals reaffirm their self-worth and provide validation that they are attractive and worthy of love. Indeed, another study shows that an increase in emotional loneliness, rather than social loneliness and depression, is the most commonly observed change after spousal loss. Emotional loneliness refers to the absence of close relationships, while social loneliness is the absence of an engaging social network (Szabó et al., 2020).
How Soon Should Widows Fall in Love Again?
"Kind people often said, 'You don't look like a widow.' Maybe they expected widowhood to make me look old and witch-like." — Amy Morin
Even if the barriers to being with a new partner are resolved, widows still face a complex set of issues to navigate. These include the appropriate period for mourning, whether and when to remove their wedding ring, when to start dating, when to dispose of their late partner’s belongings, how to dress for various occasions, how often to talk about the past, and what loving gestures toward their new partner can be shown in public. As widows tend to be judged critically, sensitivity, careful pacing, and restraint are necessary. A widow dating a married man will unfairly be subject to more criticism than a divorced or single woman; after all, she "should know better" having lost a spouse. Like Julius Caesar’s wife, widows are expected to be "above reproach" (Ben-Ze'ev, 2019).
A significant difference between the divorced and the bereaved is the starting point. While many divorced people describe their separation as the best thing that has happened to them, widows consider the partner’s death as the most challenging event. Divorce can open new horizons for divorcees, whereas a spouse’s death closes a major horizon for widows. Nonetheless, widows do fall in love, but much more slowly than divorced women. Seeking a new partner might not start for months or years after the death of a spouse, whereas some individuals who get divorced start looking for new partners before separation, without waiting for the divorce. Those who are widowed remarry more slowly than those who are divorced at about a half-reduced rate and have a decreased likelihood of remarrying (Watkins and Waldron, 2017).
Widows often fall for their late partner’s best friend within a short time after the partner’s death. "From my own life, I can share that my brother married the widow of our late older brother, who has two children. This is a reasonable response to intense loss when a supportive friend is the most natural person in the world to be with and share our grief.
Concluding Comments
"Death ends a life, not a relationship." — Mitch Albom
Widows face a unique romantic situation, which involves a final physical but not emotional separation. The separation is unwanted and irreversible, and the surviving partner might still be in love with her late spouse. Different people do different things under such circumstances. Although it is often better to find a new partner than to give up on the search for new love, this choice is not always feasible. Widows may fall in love again, but the departed partner will always be in the background. Widows and widowers can find space in their hearts for two loves.