Understanding why we react negatively to others' demands can help us respond more effectively. Think about how you feel when someone tells you to do something whether it's a boss, a partner, a parent, or anyone else. Chances are, you don’t enjoy it any more than I do. Sometimes I get annoyed even when asked to do something I was already planning to do.
There are many reasons we react negatively when someone tries to change our behavior. These reasons can vary for each individual. Here are six common ones:
1. Feeling Like a Kid
When we were kids, we probably thought we’d be the ones in charge as adults, free from others bossing us around. When someone tells you to change what you’re doing, it can make you feel like a child again. Sometimes, we might even act childishly, reacting with a grown-up version of a temper tantrum, saying, “You can’t tell me what to do!”
2. Feeling Powerless
Feeling like a kid often means feeling powerless when you're told what to do. When someone tells you to do something, it feels like they are deciding your actions for you. Taking orders from another person can feel like giving up control and being in a weaker position. Resisting their ask could be a way to take back control, even if it's not the smartest move (like ignoring health tips).
3. Craving Autonomy
Autonomy is a fundamental psychological need linked to many positive outcomes, such as lower depression and anxiety. We all need to control our own actions, so we rebel against feeling controlled. You can see this need throughout human development, from a toddler’s insistence on doing things themselves to teenagers' growing need for independence and adults protesting against efforts to control their choices. Being told what to do can feel like an attack on our very nature.
4. Valuing Individualism
Western societies like the U.S. emphasize individualism. We prefer making our own choices and being unique instead of blending in like everyone else. Simply obeying orders can make you feel like you're losing a piece of who you are.
5. Perceiving Criticism
When someone tells you to change your behavior, they’re implicitly saying your current behavior isn’t good enough. We all want to believe what we’re doing is right, so this suggestion can feel like criticism.
6. Fear of a Slippery Slope
Even if the initial request doesn’t bother us, we might worry it will lead to more demands and loss of control—“Give them an inch, they’ll take a mile.” This fear can lead to anger and resistance.
3 Steps for Responding Effectively to Demands
There are more and less effective ways to respond when you’re told what to do. With awareness and intention, you can avoid non-optimal reactions that undermine your interests. These three principles can help you choose a better response:
1. Be Aware of Your Reactions
Notice the thoughts and feelings that arise when someone tells you to do something, as well as any physical or emotional reactions. Taking a moment to assess how you're feeling can help you better adapt your reactions.
2. Notice the Ego
When you get into a battle of wills, it’s hard to think straight. Your ego wants to be right and in charge, no matter what. But following the ego’s demands doesn’t always lead to the best outcomes.
3. Check Your Assumptions
Do you feel like you’re being controlled? Disempowered? Treated like a child? Remind yourself that your mind’s interpretations aren’t always correct. Ask yourself if there might be other ways of thinking about the situation that are more helpful and accurate.
Being aware of these factors can help you make a reasonable response. Sometimes the best course of action is to do as you’re told, which doesn’t necessarily mean you’re giving up your autonomy. Deciding how you respond to requests is a key aspect of being independent.
You’ll probably never love being told what to do, and it might still provoke feelings of powerlessness or infantilization. You have the power to accept your feelings and still choose what's best for you.