Flirting is challenging because it involves conflicting motivations. On one hand, we want to express interest in someone and gauge their interest in us. On the other hand, we don't want to appear too obvious and risk rejection. Thus, we engage in a delicate balancing act, where everything becomes unclear and confusing.
Within this ambiguous situation, however, communication breaks down in predictable ways. There are a few specific mistakes that cause flirting to fail. These mistakes result in your conversation partner not knowing if you like them, you not knowing if they like you, or both. Consequently, these types of flirting errors can make your love life quite frustrating.
Fortunately, research has identified and figured out three significant types of flirting issues.
Research on Flirting Failures
Fichten and colleagues (1992) explored verbal and nonverbal cues in everyday conversation and dating scenarios. They found cues to identify when someone was flirting or disengaged with their conversation partner. Moreover, they also determined why flirting became confusing for partners. The researchers found three common ways people express interest or disinterest that often confuse both themselves and others.
Fichten and colleagues (1992) found that individuals focused on negative cues. Participants were more likely to look for signs that a potential partner was neutral towards them rather than recognizing positive indications of flirting. Their conversation partner was doing the same, too. As a result, even when people were interested and flirting with each other, they often missed each other's positive cues due to their negative focus.
Fichten and colleagues (1992) also noted an inconsistency between verbal versus nonverbal communication. One way people often flirted was through verbal communication. On the other hand, they relied more heavily on nonverbal and behavioral cues to determine if a partner was interested in them back. This caused another miscommunication — as both partners expressed their interest in words but focused on each other's behaviors to judge mutual interest instead.
Lastly, Fichten and colleagues (1992) looked at the difference between phone conversations and face-to-face interactions. They found individuals compensated in phone conversations by relying more on what they told each other. However, flirting information is communicated through body language and touch. Thus without seeing or touching a conversation partner communicating interest and flirting over the phone became more difficult and confusing.
Flirting Better
Understanding flirting can be tricky because we often miss good signs while focusing on the bad ones. We also confuse verbal and nonverbal cues, making it even more confusing. Sometimes, we confuse spoken words with body language. Ultimately, we can miss some information altogether — especially when not flirting face-to-face. Therefore, we must look at these issues in further detail and see what we can do about them.
1. Being too focused on disengagement and rejection
It is natural to want to avoid negative experiences. Some research even suggests we have a general loss aversion. Flirting signs can be confusing, showing both interest and uncertainty. Thus, bias toward only seeing the negative (or the positive) can cause significant errors in judging romantic interest.
Fortunately, it is possible to manage negativity and anxiety around romantic interactions by focusing on being curious about a conversation partner instead. Specifically, curiosity allows us to keep an open mind and notice a partner's all signals. It also allows us to learn about them as a whole, which can help decide if you like them, too.
2. Relying too much on words
Using words is frequently the standard way we communicate what we think and feel. Nevertheless, as mentioned above, we evaluate the behaviors of others to see what they truly think and feel instead. That's because words are often ambiguous and equivocal, and people can lie quite easily with them. Thus, we are right to focus on the body language and nonverbal communication of others to interpret their interest in us.
We often fail at flirting because we depend too much on words to show our interest. Our talk is cheap, too. Therefore, to flirt well, we also need to consider things like our body language and how we mirror and match a partner's behaviors. Moreover, when these behaviors match our true words, it helps to clearly convey our interest in them without proclaiming things too directly.
3. Online dating
In today's world, many people find dates and chat through text messages instead of face-to-face. However, some of the most important ways we flirt are nonverbal. Thus, communication over the phone or computer can be particularly tricky to interpret.
Emojis and video calls can convey important nonverbal cues. Nevertheless, a significant sign of romantic interest is flirting through touch and intimacy. It is hard to truly know if someone likes you romantically until you see how they touch and interact with you physically. To do so, however, requires meeting them face-to-face. That's when the real flirting begins. And Addressing these three issues can go a long way toward improving your flirting and dating experience.