Don't anticipate that satisfying a narcissist's desires will bring them satisfaction.
It's widely acknowledged that as people age, they accumulate knowledge, kindness, and a greater interest in benefiting others. While this holds true for most older adults, those who were diagnosed with behavioral disorders earlier in life are likely to retain those traits into later adulthood. Recent research (Penders et al., 2020) indicates that up to 15% of older adults living independently and about 58% of those in nursing homes have diagnosable behavioral disorders, presenting challenges for both professionals tasked with their care and their families.
While studies indicate that older adult men are more likely than women to receive a behavioral disorder diagnosis (Treagust et al., 2022), women are more prone to other mental health diagnoses. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), more prevalent among men, often stems from early interpersonal relationships and personality traits, with childhood anger levels linked to its development (Lenzenweger, 2023).
Recognizing that narcissists hold inflated views of themselves, their entitlement, and their status, it's logical to expect extreme anger when they feel thwarted or denied what they believe is rightfully theirs. Outbursts and a tendency to lash out are common reactions when they perceive slights or believe their demands are ignored.
The Challenges of Dealing with Older Adult Narcissists
As people age, their social interactions often decrease, leading to loneliness. However, while most older adults feel less lonely with social engagement, narcissists don't experience a similar shift in mood (Zhang et al., 2020). They don't value social connections in the same way and derive little benefit from spending time with others. Another study (Zhang et al., 2022) found that older narcissists use significantly different verbal expressions compared to their peers, speaking more and using more aggressive and less accommodating language.
Caregiving for or Being the Child of a Narcissist: It's Never Easy
Growing up with a narcissistic parent can be extremely challenging, and the hope of escaping and living one's own life may be dashed when the older parent requires attention or support. Unfortunately, narcissistic behaviors and a self-centered perspective can intensify as an older adult's other capacities decline. They may make everything about their needs and demands, blaming others for their own choices and misfortunes, and berating them due to their own ailments or diminished capacity.
The Fallout of Caring for a Narcissist
If you're caring for a narcissist and wondering why it's so much harder than caring for someone else, research (Day et al., 2020) suggests that your burden is greater than many others'. In fact, caring for someone with NPD is more challenging than if they had another severe mental illness. It brings about more stress and reduces well-being, but it's unlikely to increase feelings of depression or empathy toward the narcissistic individual.
How to Cope?
One of the most important principles to remember when caring for an older adult narcissist is to avoid becoming too emotionally invested or overly critical. Both of these coping styles negatively impact the caregiver. Recognizing the limitations of what a caregiver can achieve in terms of changing a narcissist's behavior is a gift to oneself. Getting too enmeshed in their symptoms doesn't benefit anyone, and being highly critical of them is unlikely to alter their behavior.
- Don't expect that fulfilling a narcissist's desires will bring them satisfaction. Narcissists are rarely satisfied. There's always something else they will demand, even after you've acquiesced to all their previous requests.
- Grant yourself grace. Acknowledge that caring for a narcissist is more draining than caring for someone with other mental disorders. Feeling stressed or frustrated occasionally is completely normal.
- Don't let negative emotions consume you. Acknowledge them and let them pass through you. Avoid ruminating on things it leads to feelings of depression and reduces your ability to cope.
- Build in "escape time" and "break time." Knowing there's a reprieve, even if it's just a few moments soaking in the sunlight in the yard, makes the difficult moments more bearable.
- Establish and maintain boundaries to preserve your internal and external resources. Just because someone demands something of you doesn't mean you have to comply whether it's tangible or intangible resources.
- Don't feel guilty for failing to satisfy a narcissist. Nothing can bring lasting satisfaction to a narcissist except the continued suffering of others as they work to fulfill the narcissist's needs.
- Join a support group. Knowing that others share the struggles you're facing can normalize your experiences. Hearing others' stories and how they've managed similar challenges can be helpful.
- Seek professional help. Expressing your feelings and gaining an objective perspective can be liberating as can discussing complex emotions, accepting one's limitations, exploring options, and learning new coping strategies.