Being fair-minded can be a strength when effectively utilized.
"Jennifer, daily life is tough!"
I can still recall the frustrated expression on my teacher's face after I complained about the selection process for a mandatory internship.
At that moment, I felt hurt by my teacher's scolding, but I now understand that he was reacting to my sense of justice awareness (JA), a quality that has brought me both inspiration and frustration. JA comprises four components: 1. Sensitivity to observing injustice; 2. Emotionally responding to it; 3. Focusing on it; and 4. Desiring to address or rectify it.
Some forms of JA are prosocial. They involve recognizing injustice done to others and are associated with behaviors like generosity and activism. I forged a lifelong friendship with Casey in second grade because of her prosocial JA. She noticed I was sitting alone during story time and patted the spot on the carpet next to her, indicating she thought I should join.
Another form of JA is victim awareness, or feeling personally wronged. Victim awareness can lead to aggressive behaviors, like seeking revenge. It can also silently damage relationships. For instance, Kerry and I were close friends when we worked together. Then, she moved away and had a child while I was still single.I suggested driving to her place with lunch, but she said no and stopped contacting me. I was angry and hurt, and she was upset that I didn't understand how her parental responsibilities made her distant. Years later, I had my own child, but I still managed to keep up with friends, even if it meant bringing my infant daughter and a diaper bag with me. I felt even more resentful of Kerry because she wasn't willing to make the same effort.
I eventually realized that Kerry hadn't meant to hurt me, but rather, our expectations of friendship no longer aligned. She wanted a more supportive friend, and I wanted a more committed one. Changing how I saw things helped me let go of my resentment towards her and move forward.
JA has led me to contemplate civil rights issues. And valuable experiences involving JA have enriched my clinical work. Sometimes, my clients talk about investing time into friendships with people who don't seem to care about their feelings as much. I advise them that they have the freedom to move on to different friendships that better meet their needs. They can do that without proving who was right or wrong.
This brings up the point that even prosocial JA behaviors, like continuing a friendship out of fairness, can be harmful when that relationship makes you unhappy. In fact, JA may be excessive.
Another example of JA gone awry is feeling undeserving of your achievements. Some of my clients have felt guilty about accepting academic accommodations, such as extended time to complete assignments. They feel it's unfair they have this privilege when there are students with more severe challenges who don't receive it. They also falsely believe that accommodations diminish the value of their academic achievement. I remind them that seeking accommodations demonstrates their resilience. It's a key component of their journey to success.
When it comes to friendships, obsessively prosocial JA impedes authenticity, such as when you have someone over for dinner because you "should" reciprocate their invitation from last week. This mindset carries the risk of creating a transactional relationship, and, even more distressing, of burning out. Ironically, while prosocial JA leads to positive regard by others, excessive levels of it drive others away.
Consider the following ways to harness JA in a manner that fosters greater connection with others:
1. Respond to Pain with Curiosity
Pain, including emotional pain, is our body's warning system. Sometimes, it alerts us to real danger, while other times it is overly sensitive.
It helps to give others the benefit of the doubt when you suspect they may be taking advantage of you. This allows you to be open to all potential explanations for their behavior. When we respond to pain with curiosity, we allow ourselves to address it without reacting impulsively, or out of obligation, as in the case of having someone over just for "fairness."
2. Maintain a Kindness Log
I keep a document where I jot down instances when I felt touched by others' kindness. I look back at it whenever I start to drift into a victim responsiveness mindset. You can also keep track of your accomplishments and/or kind gestures as a reminder that you are deserving of good things.
3. Embrace the Diversity of Human Perception
Considering the diversity of people's perspectives can help us be gentler with ourselves and others. When you feel like someone is using you, think about whether they might just have a different idea of what's okay in social situations.
When you fear others will think poorly of you, remind yourself that you are entitled to live by your own value system.
JA is a quality worth embracing. It can be a blessing if we learn to wield it with empathy and grace.