Raising adolescents can be challenging. This phase is marked by fluctuating hormones, diminished logic, and genuine eye-rolling moments. Supporting a teenager with special needs involves catering to their specific requirements in a manner that fosters the development of their self-esteem and personal growth. Adolescence is a period of significant physical and emotional growth, marked by a desire for independence, and this holds true for teenagers with special needs as well. While the timing may vary, the process remains consistent.
Your Teenager Might Be Ready Before You Are
Your teenager may be seeking recognition as an individual, while you may not have mentally transitioned to that stage yet. Often, this hesitation stems from our own concerns about what we believe our teenager can handle, and a reluctance to acknowledge their struggles. As parents, our natural inclination is to shield our child from discomfort; however, it's important for your child to experience frustration or disappointment. These experiences contribute to the development of resilience and adaptability.
Take a moment to visualize your child - do you still see them as the adorable youngster with their favorite toy? If so, take a closer look at your teenager, and update your mental image accordingly. When assessing your child's abilities, ensure you're basing it on their current self, not a past version.
Establish and Maintain Consistent Boundaries
Teenagers thrive on consistency, even though they may test your rules and boundaries vigorously. Establish clear family rules and consistently hold your child accountable to them. While it's acceptable to be flexible and make exceptions on difficult days, it's important to adhere to the guidelines you've set. These rules and expectations will become internalized by your child as their own.
Additionally, hold your teenager to the same standards as your other children, rather than making allowances that may appear unfair or preferential. While your teenager may protest their struggles as a means of avoiding expectations, you and your child can collaborate on alternative approaches to achieve the same goal. This approach reinforces self-esteem and emphasizes their importance as an equal member of the family.
Encourage Responsibility
You may think, 'My teenager lacks the will or capability,' but every teenager needs a sense of responsibility, regardless of their abilities. Gradually increase your child's responsibilities and provide encouragement and support. It may be challenging, but resist the urge to intervene excessively. By withholding responsibility from your teenager, you inadvertently convey the message that they "can't do it" or "lack the ability." Although unintentional, this message is absorbed by your teenager.
Start small with minor tasks and gradually increase their complexity as your teenager demonstrates competence. These responsibilities also foster problem-solving skills, organization, and task completion. By entrusting your teenager with tasks, you're affirming the importance of their contributions to the household functioning.
Set High Expectations
Unfortunately, expectations for teenagers with special needs are often set too low. Aim higher for your child. The less you expect from your child, the less they will achieve, but the more you expect, the more they can accomplish with your encouragement, support, and positive reinforcement.
As parents, we strive to raise independent individuals. Offer your teenager choices and allow them to experience the consequences fully. Avoid predicting outcomes based on their choices; instead, adopt a 'wait-and-see' approach. While you won't permit your teenager to engage in potentially harmful behavior, observe the process and discuss the outcome.
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Ask questions such as:
- Are you satisfied with the outcome?
- If yes, what aspects did you appreciate?
- If not, what would you do differently?
- How do you propose to address the situation moving forward?
Encourage critical thinking rather than offering solutions or thinking on behalf of your teenager.
Every teenager, whether they have special needs or not, requires these formative experiences to develop essential life skills. Your concerns are valid, but don't let them hinder your teenager's growth. Instead, focus on their strengths and provide ample opportunities for positive development—for both of you!