How to navigate a separation with your partner.
"Finding joy in embracing and releasing love." - Elizabeth Berg.
Maintaining close relationships can be quite challenging in the long run, often leading some couples to contemplate separation as they seek a way forward.
When couples are reluctant to officially divorce or break up but face significant issues causing distress and pain, some opt for a separation or a "break." Common reasons for separation (and potential divorce, particularly for married couples) include infidelity, domestic violence, perceived differences in values, communication difficulties, parenting conflicts, and financial struggles (Hawins, Willoughby, and Doherty, 2012; Scott et al., 2014).
The aim of a separation is typically to gain some space to address the issues apart since attempts to resolve them together have been ineffective, often resulting in arguments, emotional distance, and tension.
Whether a break is beneficial largely depends on the couple. If you're considering separation, here are 3 strategies to make it more effective.
1. Clearly communicate your intentions
To ensure an effective separation, it's crucial to openly discuss the overall purpose of the break. Clearly articulate why you're taking a break. For instance, is it to understand each individual's needs for moving forward? To overcome a perceived breach? To learn certain communication skills to better connect? To focus on personal healing before attempting to heal as a couple?
Being clear about why you're apart can help you and your partner understand the separation better, especially during tough times.
2. Establish clear boundaries
Setting out clear expectations regarding behavior and communication during the separation is essential. For instance, will you continue to communicate? How often? About what topics? What are the expectations regarding seeing other people? How much space do you need from your partner?
The more specific and upfront each person can be about their needs and desires, the easier it will be to navigate. Setting clear expectations regarding the duration of the separation (e.g., typically 1-6 months); how and when you'll communicate (e.g., daily check-ins via text or phone at a set time; meeting in person once a week; attending couples therapy weekly); and, how you'll handle external relationships (with clear guidelines on dating or intimacy with others) will help make the experience safe and manageable.
3. Respect your partner's process
Ideally, both individuals agree to take a break out of love and respect for the relationship. They acknowledge that the relationship is facing challenges that aren't effectively addressed using current methods and intend to work on the issue(s) at hand while separated.
You may not fully understand your partner or their approach to deciding how to move forward, but striving to be compassionate, empathetic, and supportive will aid the process.
The plain truth is this: Whether a separation leads to reconciliation or permanent parting depends greatly on the couple. If approached with honesty, transparency, and good intentions, the insights gained are likely to lead to a clear outcome.
Whether that outcome is staying together or moving apart depends on what is learned. Nevertheless, if handled well, a break can lead both individuals in the relationship to a better life regardless of the outcome. When a breakup is handled maturely, it's probable that both individuals will maintain positive feelings and mutual respect for each other.