Dealing with a narcissistic parent can have lasting effects.
"I struggle to connect with 'regular' people because my upbringing was influenced by two narcissistic parents. It's hard for me to relate to anyone normal and I tend to attract more narcissists, boundary-crossers, and manipulators," writes a Reddit user.
Realizing that your relationship struggles may stem from your upbringing by one or both parents displaying narcissistic tendencies can be disheartening.
The personal damage of a narcissistic upbringing on a child's psyche can be long-lasting, leading to low self-esteem, dysfunctional attachment styles, and emotional instability, potentially perpetuating the cycle with the next generation.
A study published in the journal Social Sciences examined the impact of perceived narcissistic parenting on romantic relationships in a Reddit community, focusing on the challenges faced by users in their relationships. Here are three ways narcissistic traits in parents can negatively affect the future.
1. Lack of Boundaries and People Pleasing
Children raised by narcissistic parents often struggle later in life with establishing boundaries in their relationships. Narcissistic parents tend to be overly intrusive and rely on their children for validation.
They may see their children as extensions of themselves, failing to recognize their autonomy. This can lead children to believe they are responsible for their parent's happiness and later, their partner's happiness.
As a result, they may feel compelled to take on blame for everything that goes wrong, mirroring the behavior they are accustomed to.
Consequently, they may go to great lengths to please their partners to seek validation, as shared by this Reddit user: "My upbringing with a narcissistic mother means I struggle to understand the importance of people respecting my boundaries. I always thought I had to prioritize others. In past relationships, people constantly violated my boundaries, and I let them. I prioritized their feelings, needs, and interests over mine. I allowed myself to feel responsible for their happiness. It was draining."
2. Low Self-Esteem and Extreme Self-Criticism
Growing up with narcissistic parents can have a profound impact on children, leading to overwhelming feelings of guilt, shame, and deep-seated pain. These feelings can manifest later in their intimate relationships.
For example, narcissistic parents may excessively boast about their children's accomplishments to validate themselves, showing little genuine interest in their children otherwise. Consequently, the child internalizes the belief that they have to constantly achieve to be seen or valued, leading to a constant pursuit of perfection and an "It's never enough" mentality.
This upbringing can cause the child to develop insecurities and form a negative self-image, resulting in low self-esteem and difficulties in forming healthy adult relationships. These challenges can also make it difficult for them to feel secure and confident as partners. They may constantly apologize for the smallest mistakes and be overly self-critical.
"Growing up with a narcissistic mother, I became this needy, anxious, self-sacrificial wreck. He (her partner) helped me realize that it's not my fault and that it's okay to be myself," reflects a Reddit user.
3. Trust Issues and Fear of Abandonment
A narcissistic upbringing can deeply instill a fear of abandonment in children.
One person said: "My mom always tested how much I relied on her more than she relied on me, like in this situation." I think this is why I'm so distant now with partners. I go into relationships believing that the other person will eventually find flaws with me and leave me."
This can lead to the development of severe trust issues, fear of commitment, or co-dependent behaviors, resulting in indecisiveness in their adult relationships.
"I never stay single for too long. I'm either cold or distant or devoted to an sometimes unhealthy degree. I realize this is me trying to replicate the love I was desperate to receive from my parents," shares another.
3 Phrases Narcissistic Partners Use During Conflicts
Due to inconsistent attention and affection typical of narcissistic parenting, individuals may either display excessive involvement without boundaries, idealize their partners, or completely shut them out with an "I should leave them before they leave me" mindset.
Another person's experience epitomizes this struggle: "I was overwhelmed with passion planning our future, and it felt like we've known each other our whole lives. After we both confessed love, I just suddenly fell out of love within weeks."
Rediscovering Self Through Support and Healing
Recognizing that your upbringing isn't your fault can be crucial to self-awareness and healing your inner self, leading to better and more fulfilling relationships. Nurturing your relationship with yourself also fosters better connections with others, including your partner. The research highlighted that Reddit users discovered healing benefits through:
- Support: Users found invaluable support and a sense of community on Reddit, where they didn't feel alone. Additionally, having a supportive partner helped them recognize their self-worth and feel deserving of love.
- Self-acceptance: Many reported freeing themselves from the influence of their parents by accepting themselves for who they are and realizing that their parents don't define their identity. They emphasized the importance of self-discovery.
- Therapy: Some people expressed the significant role of therapy in initiating their journey of self-discovery and healing their childhood wounds gradually.
Ultimately, individuals have the right to regain control and agency in their lives and redefine their freedom and individuality, as well as the ability to shape their own lives, regardless of external influences.