You'll worsen your adult child's troubles by being critical.
Helping your adult child who is facing challenges requires compassion and clear communication to foster trust and mutual understanding. Words hold immense power in shaping relationships and impacting self-perception. Thus, it's essential to use language that uplifts rather than discourages, especially during challenging times.
Here are two phrases not to tell your adult child, along with alternative ways to express empathy and reassurance.
1. "I'm disappointed in you."
In a somber conversation, Amanda's parents, Maria and John, expressed their significant disappointment in her recent choices. Sitting together in the living room, Maria's eyes welled up with tears while John's voice carried a sense of sadness. "Maria started with, 'Amanda, we've always been behind you in chasing your dreams, but lately, your choices have really let us down.'"
John, usually the stoic figure, added with heartfelt sorrow, "We raised you to make wise decisions and be responsible, but your choices have led us to question if we've failed as parents." The room felt heavy with unmet expectations and shattered trusts.
Expressing disappointment in your adult child can cause deep personal wounds and damage the parent-child relationship. It's important to recognize that everyone faces setbacks and struggles at some point in their lives.
Instead of focusing on feeling let down, parents can show they care and are always there for their children. Through my book research, the positive impact of parents offering validation through a supportive ear to adult children became even clearer. "Parents can support their adult children in facing obstacles and growing by providing positive reinforcement rather than negative feedback."
Many parents I advise frequently inquire about ways to handle their grown children's risky decisions when they're feeling let down. Here are examples of effective ways to communicate support while remaining authentic:
I'm feeling a bit disappointed by this, but I believe calmly discussing it can help us.
We all make mistakes. Please help me understand how this happened to you.
I hear you're upset and I'm upset, too but I believe in you.
Now let's address a second problematic phrase that further reinforces the shame of struggling adult children.
2. "I told you this would happen."
Steve: "Sarah, I hate to say it, but I warned you about taking that job when you had the chance."
Sarah: "I know, Dad. You've mentioned it several times."
Steve: "Well, I hate to be the 'I told you so' person, but now you're struggling to make ends meet."
Sarah: "I get it, Dad. You were right. I should have listened."
Imputing that your adult child should have proactively solved their problems overlooks the complexities of their situation and undermines their efforts. Each individual's journey is unique, and progress isn't linear 100% of the time. Support and encouragement are more productive approaches, establishing the idea that seeking help or pursuing personal growth is never too late.
Furthermore, saying "no surprises there" can breed resentment and erode trust between parents and their adult children. Instead of focusing on past warnings, concentrating on finding solutions and providing guidance for the present moment is more beneficial.
Effective communication involves validating your adult child's feelings, acknowledging their efforts, and offering constructive feedback without resorting to blame or criticism. Here are some examples that my parent coaching clients appreciate:
Instead of stating, "I warned you about this outcome," consider using these encouraging options:
You owe it to yourself to see this as a learning opportunity rather than beating yourself up.
I know how tough this situation must be for you, and I can relate to your frustration. Let's work together to find a solution.
It sounds like you've hit a rough patch. Let's work together to find our way around it.
Final Considerations
Supportive communication plays a crucial role in nurturing healthy relationships and helping struggling adult children navigate life's challenges. By choosing words carefully and offering unconditional support, parents can establish a secure and nurturing environment where their adult children feel empowered to overcome obstacles and thrive.